{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

i am starting to think that power and radiance might be a two year journey.

the other day, i looked in the mirror three or four times before i left the house. i felt pretty and it was such a novel feeling that i kept going back to it.

every once in a while, i will be in the midst of writing out postcards and cards for friends and it will occur to me that i am a good friend and i don’t know why i always think that i’m not.

the day before i left for spain, i organized my day in order to buy fresh bagels from panera and spent time trying to figure out how to pack everything so there would be room for them. i had asked my sister if she wanted me to bring her anything. later, it occurred to me to ask if her roommates wanted me to bring them anything as well; one of them wanted bagels. while i was driving around, i was wondering why i always think that i’m not a nice person, when buying bagels didn’t seem like something that a not-nice person would do.

many of the people i love are wonderful writers. every time i read a piece of their writing, whether it be a blog post or an email, i wish i could write like them. a while ago, i read through a bunch of my favorite posts because i was looking for one that i could repurpose for a project. as i was reading, i realized that i can write. what i mean by that is – when i really want to talk about something, i can usually find a way to express my thoughts and feelings in a way that feels good to me.

shortly after having one of these thoughts, another thought pops into my mind, which is, “wow, i am vain and egotistical and think highly of myself.”

i have decided that the reason positive thoughts feel so uncomfortable and wrong is because i am not used to them. after all, they are a new development. after all, i have years of believing the opposite. after all, i have years of being taught that it is bad to say nice things about yourself.

i think i want to practice more.

i think i also want to take the resulting “but this is wrong and bad and i am wrong and bad” less seriously. i am guessing it feels a lot worse in my head than it actually is. (sort of like how, if you’ve spent your life trying to please other people, giving your opinion on something small, like whether or not you liked a certain movie, feels really big and possibly relationship-ending.)

truth be told, i have a feeling that we could all probably stand to give ourselves a lot more credit than we do.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

i have to tell you a funny story about radiance, at least it’s funny to me, hence the reason i have only one photo – for radiance.

without planning it, i have spent a lot of time this year on beauty and style and appearance. i bought some new clothing. i went through my closet multiple times, each time saying goodbye to more items that didn’t fit or that i didn’t love or that didn’t feel comfortable or cute or flattering. (it was too uncomfortable to do this in one fell swoop.)

at the moment, there is nothing in my closet that i do not love and feel good in. it is such a strange feeling. i often open my closet door and think, “but i just want to throw on something that doesn’t look cute!” that thought makes me laugh, because it is the opposite of how i thought i’d feel when i got here. this is not to say that i don’t like it; it’s just quite the identity change.

in the past month, i spent time and money on a pedicure and an eyebrow wax and highlights, things that were long overdue. i’ve always wanted to get my eyebrows waxed, but it seemed unnecessary or silly or indulgent. (for me. not for others.) i even bought a hint of makeup! (i feel like i am learning to be a girl at 35.)

i think about all of this a lot, partly because i love style anyway, and partly because sometimes i worry that this is a distraction, not important, even though deep down, i know that it is exactly the right thing to be focusing on right now. there is something about it that is very very important.

one day, i told a friend of mine that maybe the reason it is important is because it’s related to power – one of my words for 2012 – which i think of as wholeness. it seems like a way of giving attention and focus to my body. i am a mind person. my longstanding pattern is to give no attention to my body, unless it is to berate or punish it.

she told me that she thought i was going to say it was related to radiance!

i was writing this morning and i started laughing, because radiance seems so obvious in retrospect.

it reminds me of when someone told me that i need to be taking more risks. i completely agreed, and i was at a complete loss. i could not think of anything to do. a year later, i realized that the thing that scares me the most is relationships and emotional vulnerability and using my words. that was where i needed to be taking my risks. it was so obvious (and obviously impossible seeming in that moment) that i didn’t even see it.

the same is true for radiance. when i knew that radiance would be one of my words for 2012, i had no idea what on earth i could do to focus on it. i thought about it over and over. i was at a complete loss. i could not think of anything to do.

then, i somehow started thinking about things related to beauty and style and appearance. the right thing to do was so obvious that i didn’t even see it. until half a year later when i connected the dots. (well, when my friend connected the dots for me.)

i might chuckle about this for the rest of the year.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

i was feeling lonely one evening last weekend. i didn’t really know what to do with it – i am more of a day person than a night person – so i decided to send some mail to friends. unfortunately, i only had one stamp left and it was earmarked for a bill, so my mail didn’t go out until today’s visit to the post office.

as i was standing in line, it occurred to me that sending mail might be even more fun than receiving mail.

when i send mail, i get to show someone that i care about them, even if i don’t say so specifically.

when i send mail, i get to show someone that someone is thinking about them.

when i send mail, i get to imagine it showing up in their mailbox as an unexpected surprise.

there is something so very satisfying and comforting and heartwarming about the act of sending mail.

it reminds me that there are people in the world that i care about and that care about me. it makes me feel like they aren’t so very far away after all. it makes me feel less alone.

every once in a while i want to send mail to someone, but for some reason, i talk myself out of it. i realized that the reason i do this is because it feels too vulnerable. if i’m not sure how someone feels about me, it’s hard to let them know that i care, that i’m thinking about them. what if they don’t care about me and don’t want to hear from me and i am annoying them.

reaching out – letting people know you care about them – can be scary.

the thing i am trying to remember is that reaching out is important. vulnerability is important. it’s true, they might not feel the same way about me, but everyone likes to be remembered.

so yes, real mail. i am a fan.

that’s really why i make and sell cards. i mean, i like making cards – the act of making them and the act of pairing images and the act of finding names and descriptions for the sets. but mostly, i like thinking of people sending and receiving little bits of love, via their mailbox.

you don’t need anything special, you know. you can just find a piece of paper and write, “i’m thinking of you. just thought you should know.” and pop it into the mail.

but if you do like cards, i have an offer you might be interested in.

(i just finished this post and i am giggling because i cannot figure out how this relates to radiance. i thought it did when i started out but now i cannot see how, so i am wondering if i got confused along the way. it’s what was on my mind so we will pretend it does relate, yes?)

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

i read a book a few weeks ago about finding and hiring talent. it was called the rare find. (true, i’m neither a recruiter nor a hiring manager, but i am a sucker for non-fiction that includes case studies.)

i copied this from the book into my journal.

The key question stops being: “Are you good enough?” Instead, it becomes: “Is there a chance you could become spectacular?”

if you want to know what i think – what i really think – i think that there is a chance that i could become a spectacular artist. the form might surprise and delight me – for instance, it could be in the artistry of my business itself – but i do think there is a chance.

it is going to be hard for me to publish this post, but i am going to do so anyway, because it allows me to talk about one of my biggest stumbling blocks with radiance.

the trouble with radiance, at least for me, is that it feels like the act of recognizing or acknowledging or honoring my own light somehow diminishes other people.

it’s as if i believe that there is only so much light to go around so the only way i can shine is by dimming other people’s lights or by comparing myself to someone or someones and saying that i am shining because i am shining brighter than them. it’s as if i believe that we are all in competition with each other.

it seems rather telling that the situations where shining your own light is encouraged and accepted are in situations that do feel like competitions: from job interviews to annual reviews to college applications.

it makes perfect sense that i would want to avoid this. i don’t want to hurt other people or make them feel small. i don’t like competition. i am afraid of rejection and judgment. i don’t want other people to dislike me. i have been taught implicitly and explicitly that saying (thinking, also, but definitely saying) something good about myself makes me a bad person.

at the same time, when i see something good in myself, it has nothing to do with anyone else. i am not comparing or contrasting or in competition.

when i like my own work, for example, i don’t like it because i think it’s better than anyone else’s work. i like it because i like it.

when i have an idea that i think is genius, i don’t think it’s genius because it’s better than someone else’s idea. i think it’s genius because it’s mine and i am really really excited about it.

when i say that there is a chance i could become spectacular, i don’t mean spectacular in comparison to others; i mean spectacular in terms of fulfilling my potential and following my mission and sharing my vision.

i believe that we are all extraordinary – that we can all burn brighter than we can even imagine.

i also know that if i cannot see the good in myself, it doesn’t really matter whether other people can see it.

i want to be my biggest supporter and cheerleader. i want to see my own goodness and potential. i want to show up in the world, to not shrink, to be as fully myself as i can stand to be, and to be a force for beauty and light.

i am not afraid of my shadow. i am willing to go into my darkness and take things out and turn them over and look at them closely under the harsh light of day.

for too long, i have been afraid of my light.

from now on, i very much want to be brave enough to face it.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

i had a thought about radiance that i want to share, but i have not yet found my words. while trying to find them yesterday, i took a short break, during which i discovered byron katie’s youtube channel.

one of the videos i watched was so lovely and so inspiring and so applicable. in it, byron katie is examining a woman’s belief that there is something wrong with her.

i felt lighter and more radiant myself after watching it.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

my new plan is that if i can’t decide whether an image better represents radiance or luminosity, it represents both.

that’s how i feel about this image. i don’t actually know why i can’t decide which it is. it looks like i would definitively say radiance, and yet, i can’t.

i do, however, think it is a very good depiction of the series title: the dawning of the light.

p.s. if you happen to use a reader, it appears that my feed is not working. i’m very sorry. i have no idea why this is as of yet, but i am optimistic that i will figure it out eventually.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

radiance & luminosity. while walking back to the hostel from the alhambra.

(i am still without my camera, so i might be drawing from the archives for a while.)

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

when i was young – maybe in eighth grade – it was time to change or end a friendship. i didn’t know how to navigate that transition, so i just stopped speaking to that person.

i have regretted it ever since. until this week, i felt so much guilt and shame about what i did that i almost never talked about it to anyone.

right before my senior year of high school, a friend of mine stopped speaking to me. i never knew why.

it also made perfect sense. i believed i was worthless. when she stopped speaking to me, it seemed proof that i really was worthless. of course she stopped speaking to me. i wondered that she had ever been my friend at all, or that anyone else ever had.

when i talked through the two experiences with a friend, the thing that struck me is that i use what i did as proof that i am a horrible person, while i would never think that about my old friend. i hold what i did against myself and use it to beat myself up, over and over. i also use it as a way to beat myself up for having been on the other side, because clearly it was doubly deserved.

from this vantage point, i feel so much compassion for younger me. she was struggling with worthlessness and a sense of not belonging anywhere, even in her own skin. it was a very hard age. she really was doing the best she could.

i also feel so much compassion for all of us. we are all holding stories inside, feeling scared and ashamed and alone, and our stories grow bigger and bigger and bigger until they consume us.

it makes me wish that we could let things into the light a little more, where we can see that we are all doing the best we can in any given moment, that we are almost always our own worst critics, and that even in our darkness, we are never really alone.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

the spanish light.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

today, i offer up a musing on radiance from my journal.

do i have a sense of myself as sweet and steady? not really.

i notice [redacted], wherever he is. do i have that same sense of myself? definitely not. i feel like i go unnoticed, am passed over, which would explain why i like to be funny. humor draws attention and i am afraid that people won't notice me otherwise.

i think about friends of mine – i think they would be noticed no matter what because there is something about them that stands out. you just feel better because they are there. i don't have that same sense of myself and i think i try to compensate.

that's related to radiance. what if i could trust that i was enough, and i was visible, and the right people are attracted to me. i wouldn't feel that same need to be funny. not that i might not be funny anyway, just that it wouldn't feel forced.