this is not the weimaraner post i was going to write today. i am sitting at the airport – missing a friend and feeling raw and sleepy – so instead you get me, showing up, just as i am in this moment.

i am on my way home from an intuitive painting retreat with chris zydel, something i have wanted to do for a couple of years now. i don't really know what i expected but it was intense and supportive and healing and, i suspect, transformative, in ways that i cannot see just yet.

a couple of weeks ago, i realized that i don't have trouble with the hard and the dark – it feels comfortable and familiar – but i have a great deal of trouble with the light and the bright and the good. not yours – i can see that and celebrate it – but mine.

at the same time, i am getting a sense of where i am heading. not in this moment, maybe not for years, but it feels big. it feels big enough that it scares me. my sense is also that in order to get there, i am going to have to dance with the light.

while working on one particular painting, the idea that had the most energy in one moment was to add glitter. i thought i would just be adding glitter to one small section but it turned out that i had to cover the entire painting with glitter. as i painted on the glitter, i could not stop crying. i kept hearing voices saying that it was too colorful, too sparkly, too much, that no one would like it.

when the painting was completely covered in glitter, the idea that had the most energy was to add large sparkles on top of the glitter. as i painted on the sparkles, i cried even harder. i thought the emotion behind the tears might be fear but when i felt into it, i felt this huge sense of loss. it felt like i had lost something infinitely precious and i didn't know how to get it back. the loss felt very old and very deep.

so that's where i am in this moment. i am reconnecting with the parts of me that knew how to be big and bold and expressive. the parts of me that thought it was natural to be rich and vibrant and colorful. the parts of me that lived and loved with playful abandon. the parts of me that believed i was sparkling and luminescent and powerful.

it feels raw and messy and painful. it also feels very real. and somehow, i feel hopeful.

i feel very vulnerable sharing this, but i offer it up, knowing that i am not the only one who struggles with recognizing and owning and expressing the bright and the light and the good. may we all move closer toward seeing our own beauty and radiance.

p.s. intuitive painting is about the process, not the painting, so no comments on the paintings-in-progress, please. though in truth, two of the photos are of my paint palette.

“walking softly like a spider in the early morning”

– Brian Andreas :: StoryPeople

as you might know, i love stories.

i stumbled across a book titled “bedtime stories” while waiting for my sandwich at new seasons and was looking through the stories.

in a story titled “troll bridge” by neil gaiman, i read this:

‘Trolls can smell the rainbows, trolls can smell the stars,’ it whispered sadly. ‘Trolls can smell the dreams you dreamed before you were ever born. Come close to me and I’ll eat your life.’

i bought the book for that bit alone. i had to stop reading so i could put my hand on my heart and breathe in the goodness.

so far, i love the few stories i’ve read, including that one, but i keep going back to those words. over and over and over.

as a side note, i have decided that i really want to illustrate a story (or stories) someday. photographically and artistically, of course; clearly i am not an actual illustrator. with the right person and the right story – oh my goodness, the fun.

i always put atlas’ bed on the rebounder while i vacuum the downstairs. i paused my vacuuming efforts yesterday to take a quick photo in the kitchen. while i was doing so, i heard a thump, and came out of the kitchen to see what was going on. this is the sight that greeted me.

i am pretty sure there is a rule that says no dogs on the rebounder. apparently that rule is rendered null and void if the dog’s bed is on the rebounder.

p.s. apparently atlas fell in love with a little white pug at the doggy ranch. they’re in the photo on the left, six rows down, surveying their doggy ranch-dom. don’t they look cute?

tracy at prana light writes a series titled “being here now”. it’s in list format and it provides such a beautiful glimpse into her daily life. when i read the last one: “being here now: days of abundance”, i was inspired to fill out the list for myself.

taste — my latest dinner addiction: a rich meat sauce on roasted spaghetti squash; ginger molasses cookies; steel-cut oatmeal with bananas & brown sugar & butter

scent — eucalyptus + vinegar (my homemade bathroom cleaner); lemon + vinegar (my homemade kitchen cleaner); wet dog

sound — “set fire to the rain” by adele

touch — soft fleece blankets

sight — my latest series addiction: leverage (which i stumbled upon at the library and grabbed, thinking it looked like a decent movie, only to find that it was actually a series and i liked it so much that i watched all four dvds in a row and ordered season two)

delight — the anticipation of a proposal from a web designer for a beautiful new home for retinal perspectives

intuition — my focus now needs to be on wholeness

comfort — sleeping later in the mornings; heading outside when the sun appears; working during the cold and dark evenings

making — homemade granola to bring to my sister’s

doing — looking for the perfect images for the november/december collection

dreaming — about the day when my business sustains me

reading — addiction to perfection (marion woodman), clash of kings (george r r martin), the untethered soul (michael singer), what i talk about when i talk about running (haruki murakami), and sailing home (norman fischer)

gratitude — for this moment, right here, right now

happiness — surrounds me, inside and out

love — this month, this season, so very much

i’d love to hear what’s in your now.

p.s. in case you missed monday’s post, there’s a celebration going on through saturday!

after confusing my brain with shiva nata yesterday, i asked myself some questions. i often ask, “what am i wrong about?” (the answer is usually some variation of: “pretty much everything.”) this time, i asked myself, “what is true?” this was my answer.

you matter.

you are worthy.

the way to peace is through peace.

love is the answer.

another week, another week of 30 days of (something).

i have to say, i am really enjoying this writing practice. (can i call it a writing practice if i'm typing?) in fact, i am enjoying it so much that i am even thinking about signing up for nanowrimo this november. i can't say i've ever wanted to write fiction. (well, except for the children's story i started years ago and still want to finish someday and my occasional dream of being a writer of fairy tales.) still, 50000 words is starting to seem doable. and, you know, why not.

i am feeling very resistant to checking in about flow. this makes sense to me because we seem to be on a break. (in case you don't know what i mean by flow, i generally mean that i am following my inspiration through the day. at least that's how i feel when i am in flow.) i spent most of my time noticing that i was not in flow and then refusing to do anything that might have been helpful. instead, i may or may not have watched a lot of bad hulu (bad tv, only on hulu).

if you are joining in and want to check in on this post, i would love love love to hear from you. regardless, know that i am happy that we're all in this together, and am cheering you on.

andrea shared a messy parenthood story on superhero journal yesterday. it made me think of my own messy stories, especially the ones i shy away from sharing because i feel particularly embarrassed. i don't know why this is exactly, i realize that we are none of us perfect, but somehow it often feels like maybe that isn't really true. that maybe everyone else really is perfect, and i am the only exception. it sounds so silly when i say it but it feels so true in my mind. anyway, andrea inspired me to share one of my own messy stories.

atlas has the best ears. they are soft like velvet and irresistible. but he doesn't like people to touch his ears or play with his ears. ever.

when atlas first came to live with me, he was a show dog, so we had to spend some time at dog shows.

i didn't love dog shows. the weather was usually hot. there were lots and lots of dogs around. there was stress and excitement in the air. atlas had to wear a show collar and if he pulled or i pulled, it would tighten around his neck, so i didn't like to pull. it just wasn't an environment that i felt at all comfortable in.

in the midst of all of that commotion, i was a brand new dog person learning how to be a dog person and atlas was an excited clever energetic empathic weimaraner puppy.

with all the stress and excitement and heat, it was often hard to get him to listen to me. probably at least once or twice during every dog show, when i couldn't get him to listen and really needed him to listen, i would run out of ideas and options and patience. the only thing i could think to do in those moments of frustration and helplessness was to pinch one of his ears to get his attention.

instantly, my beloved puppy would give this tiny little yelp. the yelp would break my heart and i would hug him and apologize. and yet, in another moment of frustration and helplessness, i would do it again.

it still hurts my heart to think about this. and i'm pretty sure that's why he doesn't like his ears touched. (well, that and regular ear infections.)

you know, i don't really know how to end this. i don't want this to be a story with a lesson or a nice neat ending. i just want to agree that yeah, life is messy, so i guess my messy story will have a messy ending.

it's the 30 days of (something)! oh, yay. i'm so glad for your company in this. you all are inspiring me.

i have to say, my morning pages are going well. i am not exactly rolling out of bed and writing, but i have written (i mean typed) every morning. there really is something about clearing the mind in the morning that lets more good stuff in. the thing i have noticed, however, is that i need to write more than three pages in order for my more unconscious thoughts to start bubbling up. around page four or so, if i write that much, something comes out that i didn't expect.

by the way, for those of you who are also doing morning pages, jamie ridler is hosting a regular check-in this month for people doing morning pages. serendipitous timing, i say!

i did finally decide on my intention (or theme) for the month. it's flow. i spent some time with flow earlier this year, but clearly it needs more time and focus. (actually, the sense i am getting right now is that flow needs to be my word for 2012.) right now, i am just trying to notice when i am not in it. this seems to be often.

if you are joining in and want to check in on this post, i would love love love to hear from you. regardless, know that i am happy that we're all in this together, and am cheering you on.

my 30 days of (shiva nata) practice back in june was made even better because of everyone who joined in with their own particular practice. since september has 30 days, i’ve decided to do another 30 day practice. you are all invited to join me.

this time, i want to do morning pages. if you’ve read the artist’s way, by julia cameron, you’re probably familiar with the idea. in case you’re not – it’s three pages of writing, every morning, anything that comes to your mind. i am forgoing the written word, however, in order to use 750words.com. i am much more likely to type than i am to write. plus, i am a speedy typer.

in june, i also set an intention (or theme) for the month: permission. i think i want to set an intention for september as well, but i just cannot decide on one. the current top contenders are permission (yes, again), pleasure, flow, and joy. good thing i still have some time.

anyway, that’s the plan – 30 days of morning pages, starting september 1.

if you want to join me, i would love to have the company. maybe you have something you want to focus on for 30 days and could use the support? maybe it’s a practice? maybe it’s a theme? maybe it’s something you want to eliminate from your life? the options are endless.

i’ll plan to check in on mondays again in case you decide to join me and want to share how it’s going.

here’s to the joy of practice!