"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul."

– John Muir

p.s. there's still a little time to enter the giveaway. i'll draw the names later this evening.

if you were there with us, the next thing you'd see would be atlas wandering off.

"oh. wait. it's misty. she doesn't like me. we can go now."

p.s. there's still time to enter the giveaway!

whenever i come across this series of photos in my photo library, i like to flip through them quickly. it makes me laugh. it also makes me wonder how on earth i ever get a good photo of the pup. whenever i want to take a picture, he will not stay still. if his body actually stays in one place, his head moves a mile a minute instead.

do you know what atlas thinks is one of the strangest things ever? people actually throw bread to ducks when he is nearby and they could be giving it to him. who on earth would want to feed a duck when they could feed him, he would say.

after confusing my brain with shiva nata yesterday, i asked myself some questions. i often ask, “what am i wrong about?” (the answer is usually some variation of: “pretty much everything.”) this time, i asked myself, “what is true?” this was my answer.

you matter.

you are worthy.

the way to peace is through peace.

love is the answer.

{my attempt to capture 52 photos that represent trust – my word for 2011}.

no words. just a quiet whisper.

{my attempt to capture 52 photos that represent trust – my word for 2011}

i had an epiphany about surrender today that seemed perfectly suited for my trust project. since i was hiking at the time, i recorded it as a voice memo on my iphone so i would remember to write it down.

instead, i'm trying something new. listening to the recording made me laugh, so i thought i'd let you laugh along with me. fingers crossed this works!

Surrender

p.s. did you see the ladybug in the photo?

i walk down a particular sidewalk at least once a day and couldn't help but notice that the grass alongside it was always littered with dog droppings. it looked like a very popular doggy toilet. i was tired of feeling cross about it so, back in december when i was thinking of goals for the year, i decided to adopt the sidewalk for the year. i started bringing an extra bag with me on each walk and would pick up as much as the bag would hold.

for the first few months, i must confess that i did not do the work with a happy heart. in fact, truth necessitates that i admit i spent most of the time thinking unpleasant thoughts about the people who left the messes, with the hope that they would see me picking up after them and feel guilty.

every day, i picked up a bag's worth (or more) but by the next day, it would either look like i hadn't done a thing or it would have gotten worse. it was driving me mad with frustration and annoyance that i was putting in this time and things were getting worse, not better.

around earth day, it occurred to me that with all the negative energy i was emitting, i was probably better off not picking anything up at all. it felt like the energy i was giving off was worse than what i was cleaning up, and it definitely didn't feel like i was doing something nice for the planet.

then, it occurred to me that i could actually be grateful for the opportunity. i feel so lucky to live in such a beautiful world and there are so few ways that i can show my love and appreciation. here was something useful and tangible that i could do to express my thanks.

somehow, that realization changed things. i stopped disliking the people who didn't clean up after their dogs and cleaning up after them became like cleaning up after atlas – something i do because it's part of taking care of this thing that i love so much and so i can appreciate it as such.

and then the interesting thing happened. the grass slowly became clean. i'd go to pick up a bag's worth and the place i cleaned the day before would still be clean. i'd go back the next day and both sections would be clean. slowly, i made it through the entire length of the sidewalk. i'd miss a few days and it would stay pretty clean. now, i can miss weeks and it still stays pretty clean.

i am just so fascinated by how the grass only became cleaner after my thoughts became cleaner. it is so very interesting to me.

i am now the happy owner of an iphone (which i adore and have named cleo, after cleopatra) so i've been thinking a lot about usability.

a year or two after i started working, i read a book called the inmates are running the asylum. the author explained that high-tech products are driving us crazy because they are designed by engineers who design products for users who are just like them; they don't realize how hard the products are to use for the average user. the book was fascinating. the behaviors familiar. and in it, i found my passion.

that passion drove me for many years. my eventual goal was to get into a group that focused on the user, even though i didn't have one of the typical degrees. i read and learned about usability and user-centered design. i learned how to run usability tests. i worked even longer hours so i could volunteer to do fun side projects related to usability for the products i worked on. i conducted informational interviews with people who had related jobs so i could learn what else to learn. i even wrote an essay – purely for fun – about how i had found the perfect thing for me and how it connected all my interests and how lucky i felt to have found my passion so early.

and then that passion faded. right about the time i discovered reiki.

when i quit my job to be a reiki person, a part of me was so very confused (as, no doubt, were many people i worked with). how could i work so hard for so long for something that i thought was my dream only to abandon it for something else. something that, truth be told, didn't seem to have the same level of passion behind it. (well, this may or may not be true. i think passion has many forms.) what if that really was my dream and now i was even further away from it.

after months of angst and confusion, i found my way to the truth.

the reason i care so much about how things work is because our experience with devices or applications or web pages is often full of frustration, pain, hopelessness, powerlessness. we feel like we must not be smart enough. we feel like we can't be trusted to make the right decisions. i've been there. we've all been there. i wanted to help make those experiences better.

the essence of user-centered design and usability is the interaction – the relationship – between the user and the thing they're using, whether it's a device or an application or a web page. when that relationship works, it is full of qualities like trust and sovereignty and permission and ease and safety and support and beauty and hope.

i still care about all of that. only in learning to listen to myself, i realized how very much i care about the interactions – the relationship – we have with our own self, our own body, our own life.

it turns out that i didn't lose my passion. it was there all along, waiting for me to realize it. oh, i suppose it's possible that someday i might decide that i want to help make applications that work. for now, i find it comforting to know that the thing i cared so much about is still the thing i care so much about. it just changed form a little.

eleven months ago, i quit my job (or career) of 10 years as an engineer. i told people that i was leaving to be a reiki person. that’s what i thought i was doing.

that summer, i had an epiphany. in my heart of hearts, i knew that i didn’t quit my job to be a reiki person. it wasn’t that i didn’t love reiki and didn’t want to share it with others – because i did and i do – just that it wasn’t the reason i left. reiki was a proxy. it was the reason i gave myself because the real reason would have been unacceptable.

except i didn’t know the real reason.

i was getting ready to open my etsy shop when i had the epiphany so i thought that maybe i left in order to do something related to photography. it made sense in a way. i love taking pictures more than almost anything and i would never ever in a million years have quit my job for it. i figured that must be it and moved on, but then in february, i had another epiphany – an epiphany that i am still processing.

it turns out that i didn’t quit my job for reiki or for photography or for any other make-a-living sort of thing. it turns out that i quit my job in order to learn how to rest and play.

yes. rest and play. you can see why i might have hid this from myself.

i am still somewhat in resistance to this idea, but here is the thing i am slowly realizing. i do know how to work hard. i do know how to go after what i want. i have done it for a very long time. i just don’t know how to do it without sacrificing myself in the process. my body was trying to tell me that for at least eight of those ten years. i didn’t listen. after a while, i couldn’t even hear it.

that is why rest and play are important. if i can learn to rest and play, it won’t matter how i decide to make my living. i could remain self-employed. i could decide that i want to be an engineer again. i could do something entirely different. it doesn’t matter. whatever i do, i will be able to do it in a way that is healthy and supportive and loving and kind – and that will make all the difference.

(in a humorous reinforcement that rest and play are indeed lessons i need to learn, here’s the first thing i thought after i had my epiphany. “why now? why couldn’t i have understood this ten months ago? then i could be done with the resting and playing and be back to the hard work + sacrifice already. why now?” well, ok, that wasn’t my first thought. my first thought included panic, major resistance, and “what on earth is wrong with me? who quits their job to learn to rest and play? why can’t i just be normal?” but it was definitely my second thought.)