here, it is quiet.

the rain is falling. there is a game of scrabble paused on the floor. i am sitting on the couch, typing this on my phone. atlas is sleeping next to me, exhausted from the excitement of yesterday, when a turkey was cooked in his oven.

i have family in town for the long weekend. they are exploring portland for a few hours while i stay with atlas and make them cinnamon rolls.

here, all is well.

i wish you love and warmth, wherever you are, whoever you’re with, whatever you’re doing.

just when i think atlas can’t get any more adorable, he goes and does. just look at him.

i think the splint is supposed to slow him down. atlas’s opinion: “i am just as speedy with the splint on as i am with it off!”

there is a fine line between feisty and ornery. the line depends on the current mood of the observer.

atlas’s new nickname is thumper. can you guess how he acquired it?

unfortunately for atlas, he is starting to develop rubbing sores so i am having to curb his enthusiasm for speed and limit his walking and movement. (i was good about enforcing no running, jumping, or playing. i was not so good about enforcing no movement. that seemed like a lot of no’s for an energetic pup.)

the amount of attention atlas receives seems to have increased exponentially.

when this is all over, i am going to have to post pictures of all his splints together. they are so colorful. the last one had bright yellow tape with green dog bones. the current one has aqua tape with navy stars.

i am happy to report that the atlas and elizabeth house is more peaceful. atlas is adjusting to his splint and we are adjusting to our new slower mode of life.

after the first day, which was horrible, and the second day, during which he tried to remove his splint every time i went upstairs for more than a second (i finally asked a neighbor to come and sit with him so i could take a shower), he seems much more tolerant of it.

astonishingly, a week of inactivity has also been tolerable for him. he seems neither terribly depressed nor terribly saucy. i have been giving him lots of massages and playing brain/mental games with him and i think he is enjoying all the attention.

he is not, however, a very good invalid. he keeps stomping around with his splint and running around the living room and whenever i decide we’ve walked enough and try to turn around, he tries to tug me in the opposite direction. we went to the park for his potty walk the other day (it’s practically right next door) and he kept trying to run off into the field.

the hardest parts of this involve the stairs and the bed.

after two attempts to sleep downstairs on the couch, both of which worked well for atlas (besides the fact that he doesn’t like to sleep on the couch at night – nights are for beds) but not so well for me (the second night, he slowly took over more and more of the couch until my entire lower half was dangling off of it and i decided i might as well sleep on the floor), he is allowed upstairs once a day at bedtime. if he has to go outside in the middle of the night, we sleep on the couch for the remainder of the night and do not go upstairs again.

after much trial and error, i finally figured out a way to make getting on and off the bed safer and easier by creating stairs out of pillows. what does atlas do? he ignores my stairs and leaps over them as usual. this is not so bad when getting on the bed, but it is terrible when getting off. twice, he got around me and leaped and landed and his face instantly contorted in pain. now, i have to be very stern and make him wait and lead him off. (i tried lifting him off the first couple of nights. let’s just say that didn’t go well.)

going up the stairs seems fine. it’s going down that’s the problem. he does not know how to go down slowly. i tried carrying him down a couple of times. (again, let’s just say that didn’t go well at all.) the best way i can describe my current method is to say that he tries to race down normally while i stand in front of him and block him and hold him back by pushing on his chest. this does slow him down, but it takes him forever to start because he does not understand what i am doing and why i am in his way. i actually think it would work the best if he sat on my lap and i slid down the stairs, but he refuses to try this.

of course, there are blessings in everything. i am learning to ask for help and support and to receive it. i have a rich and warm community. and i am appreciating the opportunity to slow down and take care of atlas in a new way.

last night at bedtime, atlas was lying next to me on the bed – quietly snoring, his tummy rumbling, his head on my pillow, his cast resting on my heart and whacking me every once in a while – and i was overcome with gratitude and love.

well, folks, atlas is in a splint. doesn’t he look sad and adorable? i am counting my blessings that, considering how very active he is, this is the first time we’ve gone through something like this in our nine plus years.

we went hiking on wednesday with friends at the sandy river delta. he was racing down the path and slipped on a patch of mud and limped all the way home. it got worse instead of better, so i took him to the vet yesterday.

apparently he fractured a weight-bearing toe and the splint is to help him keep weight off of it. (i don’t know how long it will last. i think he would stay quieter without it.)

the vet said that he is supposed to stay quiet – no running, jumping, or playing – for at least two months. can you imagine it?! atlas goes stir-crazy after a day of no activity so we are being super diligent for a while in the hopes that it will heal quickly.

he does not know how to go up and down the stairs slowly, so i have blocked off the stairs and we are living downstairs. the couch is the new bed.

in the interest of being honest, i will say that yesterday was horrible. he was sad and confused and stumbling. he would not lie down or stay still and stomped around with his splint and whined and whined and whined. i was mad and frustrated and sad and scared. in order to get him to stay still, i was not particularly nice, because he wouldn’t listen otherwise. i felt so ashamed of myself for behaving horribly to my dog when he was feeling horrible. i felt like the worst dog person in the history of dog people. i could not find the kind and patient version of me, the one who usually shows up when my beloved puppy is not well.

in the middle of the night, he came on the couch next to me and fell asleep.

today is a new day. he has forgiven me. i have forgiven myself. we will figure this out.

if i am more quiet than usual, this is why. i am downstairs with my silly pup, loving on him. (plus, he does not like it when i am upstairs and he is downstairs. right now, i can hear him at the bottom of the stairs, whining away. oooh. i think he’s attacking the splint. time to go.)

one of my favorite things to do is sit in a cafe with my journal and a book. if a friend is with me, it’s even better. there is nothing quite like reading and writing in companionable silence interspersed with good conversation.

at the moment, i am loving coffeehouse northwest on burnside.

while i was walking back to my car from the cafe yesterday, i looked down and noticed the leaves on the sidewalk. there was something so simple and perfect about them that i had to stop and capture the beauty.

come to think of it, if you happen to live in portland and also like reading and writing in cafes, we should really meet for coffee!

i took these two pictures on my first real photo walk with my new camera. i think i squealed when i saw them, and i knew in that moment that my new camera and i would be the best of friends. i don’t know what it is about them, possibly that they are slightly more in focus than is my wont and yet i still feel a sense of delight and magic. regardless of the specifics, i am a happy girl.

i am newly addicted to modern family. i am late to the party, i know, since apparently it started in 2009. i find it heartwarming and inspiring and every single episode makes me laugh out loud.

i am also addicted to these delectable rosemary crackers topped with brie and sliced cucumber (and sea salt, of course). i can eat them for lunch and dinner – and sometimes breakfast. at the rate i go through a wedge of brie, i should really buy an entire round of it.

what are you loving today?

you know that thing dogs do where they look like they’re running in their sleep?

in the past year or so, atlas runs more and more often, and his running is becoming more and more intense.

how do i know? he kicks harder.

atlas sleeps on the bed so when he starts running at night, there i am, in the way. usually, his feet are by my legs so my legs bear the brunt of it.

i read once that it’s not good to wake dogs up when they’re dreaming so i don’t anymore. (i used to. he’d let out that little whine and i would decide he must be having a bad dream so i’d wake him up and hug him.) (if i remember correctly, the argument against waking dogs up while dreaming was related to an increased likelihood of being bit, which makes sense.)

once upon a time, it was soft, light kicks. now, it’s not. you would not believe how hard he kicks while he’s running now. it hurts! and it seems to go on for ages.

i’m already on the end of the bed so there’s really nowhere for me to go. instead, i wait not-so-patiently for the kicking to stop, while secretly hoping that if he is chasing something in his dream, he catches it quickly.

i wonder if it’s an age thing. maybe he’s reliving his puppyhood. awwwwww. my cute-old-strong-legged-puppy-dog.

anyway, if you ever see me in shorts and my legs look bruised, you will know why.

i have a very long list of livelihood-related things that i want to spend time on. and yet, lately, i haven’t.

sadly, i have been giving myself grief for this. either i tell myself that i’m horribly lazy and unmotivated or else i tell myself that clearly there is something in the way and what on earth is wrong with me that i don’t want to figure out what it is and work through it.

what have i been doing instead? i’ve been creating a style lookbook, writing cards/letters, eating ice cream, watching shows on netflix, and spending time by the pool.

do you know what i just realized? of course this is what i’m doing. it’s hot here! most of the things i want to do involve time at the computer and it’s just too hot for me to do my best work.

sheesh. i think the heat is sapping my brain.

on the up side, i bought myself an ice cream cake. it came up in a conversation and sounded really good and i said, “i should buy one!” that’s normally the sort of thing i would say and then dismiss. an ice cream cake seems special – something to buy for other people, not just for me. then, i decided that was actually the perfect reason to buy it – it would be a good way of showing myself that i am special too. it’s very tasty! if you live nearby, there’s still some in the freezer.

i feel the urge to share a little about where i am these days, only in a perfectly imperfect fashion, so it’s possible this may seem more rambling than usual. i am just warning you in advance.

for the past many months, i’ve felt the occasional urge to apologize for neglecting my blog. i have managed to restrain myself. partly because blog writing and online time ebbs and flows, much like everything else in life, so change feels natural and inevitable and expected. partly because i am trying to break a bad habit of feeling like i need to apologize for pretty much everything. partly because i think the only person who thinks i am neglecting my blog is me, and that’s only because i have been blogging almost daily since 2007 so anything less than that feels like neglect. i like to blog when i feel inspired. i don’t want to turn it into a should.

i came home from spain feeling rather discombobulated and things have been shifting ever since. well, they were shifting before that – and have been for a long time – but it feels even deeper now.

i am in an interesting place for me. i feel very wordless. there are so many things i want to talk about – style, how beauty is a need, morocco and disappointment, finding my way to my own truth, books and reading and holding a vision, why i cried after buying a pair of paige jeans .. the list goes on and on. and yet i remain without words for any of it.

when i think about it, it makes sense that i am wordless. i am going through identity change and inner shifts at a faster and faster pace. right now, i am rewriting old stories – stories that say that i am worthless, that people don’t like me, that i don’t deserve friendship and love, that i am ugly on the outside and inside. i am learning that what i feel and need and want is important. i am learning that i can go after what i want and get it. i am learning to use my words in relationships. i am learning that people can be annoyed with me and it’s not the end of the friendship. i am learning to eat when i’m hungry. i am changing my patterns of punishing my body and myself for perceived flaws/failures. i am learning how to be vulnerable. i am learning to bear disappointment. i am learning how to not take things personally and how to not to see rejection where it doesn’t exist. i am learning that i am the expert on my own life. i am learning to take emotional risks. i am uncovering and shifting old stories that keep me from doing things i want to do. (goodness. i didn’t realize how much i was shifting until i wrote this and i didn’t even write all of it. clearly i don’t do anything half-heartedly.)

it makes sense that i am wordless. i don’t exactly know who i am from day to day. this is not to say that i am changing; it feels more like i am finding my way back home.

instead, i am refilling my well. i am spending time with friends and exploring portland and sitting in cafes and eating ice cream and hiking. i am making my current offerings even more congruent and working on new offerings related to stories. i have completely overhauled my wardrobe, am finding my way to my own style, had my first brow wax, bought makeup, and my hair is sun kissed again. (someday, i want to write about why this is important for me to focus on right now.) i am putting effort into the things i thought i would do or have someday. someday when i was finally successful enough or thin enough or whatever enough. someday when i was finally enough on the outside to make up for what i thought i wasn’t on the inside. someday when i was finally worthy of the things that i thought were reserved for other people – things like friendship and love and beauty.

it is an interesting, if unusual and unexpected, place to be.

this is atlas when he wants me to do something.

the trouble is that this is also atlas when he wants me to do something and i don’t know what it is.

if he could speak, i feel like he would say, “look at me, being such a patient dog. i just sit and wait and sit and wait. i don’t know why it’s taking you so long. i really could not have expressed myself any more clearly.”