I have been wanting to show you the Upper Peninsula in autumn. Oregon does have beautiful colors, and it is true I have not seen autumn on the East Coast (yet), but I think autumn here is glorious and magnificent. I always have.

I was actually going to do a fall color tour for just this purpose but, on a whim, Atlas and I went on an adventure to find the mouth of the Gratiot River this afternoon. (It’s not very far from my parents’ house, but I had never been there. Apparently it used to require a vehicle with four-wheel drive followed by a hike.) When I saw the trees bursting with color along the way, I decided to take some photos and share them with you.

I had forgotten that the mouth of a river empties into a larger body of water. I thought we were heading to a lazy river. Imagine my surprise when we rounded a corner and saw Lake Superior!

I wandered the shore: collecting rocks, skipping stones, and snapping photos. Atlas tried to escape the stable flies. (As an aside, if you have an idea for keeping flies off dogs that does not involve bug spray, I am all ears.)

On the way home, I stopped at nearly every bend in the road for photos, we passed my parents on the four-wheeler, and then we stopped for ice cream, where I bought Atlas his very own bowl of vanilla ice cream to make up for the flies.

It was a lovely adventure. And I have so much appreciation for the fact that I am here, now, in this season I love and this wild place that I love.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon eating pumpkin cake and playing Pictionary with my parents, grandparents, brother & sister-in-law, and sister, as we celebrated my sister’s birthday.

My nephew napped. Kia did whatever kitties do. Atlas napped behind my chair, no doubt dreaming of his own slice of cake.

It was a lovely day.

When I woke up this morning at 8, I felt exhausted, so I went back to sleep. I noticed that my first thought upon rising was, “Why am I still so exhausted?! It’s been a month. I should be getting up earlier by now. This is not acceptable. Besides, yesterday was a relaxing day; I should definitely not be tired.”

The window was open all night and there was a definite chill to the air so my next thought was, “I’m cold.” That thought was immediately followed by something like this, “But I’d have to get out a sweater. That’s fine if I’m cold. I can be cold for a while. I should toughen up anyway. It’s going to be winter soon.”

Why are we so hard on ourselves?

I’ve been practicing loving-kindness for at least five years now, and I find it so interesting that my first thoughts about myself are still so often ones of judgment and censure. This seems especially true when my behavior doesn’t meet a standard that I have set for myself (often one I am unaware of until I don’t meet it) or doesn’t meet a standard that I think other people meet.

I also find it interesting how often I still disregard my body’s needs and wants, thinking they are neither valid nor important.

Atlas and I slept in a tent for most of the past month – this was partly to give my body time to adjust to the kitty, partly so I could get some sleep (if inside, Atlas was too intent on the kitty to sleep which meant that I didn’t sleep), and partly because I was so enjoying it – and I woke up multiple times each night so that if Atlas woke up and rearranged himself, I would be able to immediately rearrange the blankets around him so that he would stay warm. Clearly warmth is important to me.

Sometimes all I need to do is notice.

I let myself be annoyed at my exhaustion. Half an hour later, I realized that I am actually back on my pre-move schedule.

I had forgotten that my body’s schedule had shifted.

It happened late last year or early this year. I was always an early-to-bed, early-to-rise person. Almost overnight, it seemed, I became a late-to-bed, mid-morning-to-rise person. I was often inspired with an idea around 10pm, I would work until 1 or 2am, and then I would wake up around 10am.

I had forgotten about this, possibly because instead of going with the flow, I spent a good deal of time feeling guilty about “sleeping in” and trying to force myself back to my previous schedule.

Sometimes I listen to what my body needs, even when I want to disregard it.

Because I do want my body to know that it is important to me, I took the time to put on a sweater and was amazed at how such a simple thing made me feel so loved and cared for.

I notice that I want to write so much more than this.

About life and art and confusion and passion and purpose. And so much more.

But I will stop for now.

May we all find a way to treat ourselves with compassion.

dear you,

there are many things circling in my mind and heart, but my words are still emerging from the depths.

something is shifting, changing, calling, and so i remain quiet, knowing that i will know what to do and say when it is the right time for me to know what to do and say.

in the meantime, i am sinking further and further into the magic of the lake, and the autumn, and the wild, and the beauty of the night sky.

the northern lights were out last night and i felt their magic and mystery take hold of me. i wished you were here, so you could marvel at their dance with me.

in other news, i have found a new hobby: rock collecting. did you know that there are rocks here that resemble portland in spring? oh my goodness, there are, and they are just glorious. i am like a little kid. (my dad worked at the state park down the road. apparently campsites were littered with rocks when visitors left as children were told, “you’re not taking all those rocks home with you!” i seem to be taking them all home with me.) i need a macro lens so i can capture them properly. also the sand! the sand looks like miniature jewels.

atlas is very happy. well, today he is sick. he is also attached at the hip. but in general, he is happy. he and the kitty are still negotiating a truce, but he loves the wild and the woods and the smells. he has seen a fox and a deer and smelled bear poop and hiked miles and miles and climbed a mountain.

i miss you, you know. i hope you are well. i think of you often, and wish you every blessing.

with love, elizabeth and atlas

tonight, the stars are thick in the night sky. they are so clear that i can see the milky way and the bow of my old friend, orion, as he shoots an arrow up into the blackness.

tonight, my breath is shallow and i cannot stop sneezing because my body is protesting the dear little kitty. i thought i had mostly cleared my cat allergies, but it turns out that major transitions exacerbate them.

tonight, i am thinking about my beloved pup, who woke me up at 4am last night to eat grass because his tummy was not happy – possibly also due to the transition. my mother bought him a rotisserie chicken and made him rice for dinner so he was a happy happy dog.

tonight, i am thinking about the simple pleasure of sharing tarts with my grandparents and walking with my dad and my pup and playing tennis with my mother and talking about name of the wind with my brother and trading back rubs with my sister.

tonight, i am thinking about the challenge of holding onto hope and possibility and wonder even when others around you seem to have forgotten them.

tonight, i send you love.

as i prepare to turn off my computer and hit the road, i thought i’d share two photos of our day yesterday.

we spent almost all of it at the auto repair shop and the tire shop, waiting for serendipity to be made road-worthy (apparently, she was most definitely not). i had a million other things to do, and at first was worried about the cost and the lost hours, but it wound up being a day full of good conversation, a walk with atlas, and camera play with the fountain (something i have always been meaning to do, only it was always full of children).

and everything i needed to do still got done anyway, plus there was time for a spontaneous goodbye dinner with a friend.

atlas was the most patient wait-er ever. i adore him times a million and seventy four three twenty-seven. i have decided that moving without a dog is easier and possibly slightly more enjoyable, but i wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world and i am so glad that he is here for our adventure.

i leave you with a wish for moments of sweetness and magic, particularly when they are least expected.

if you’re wondering what i am up to over here, i am thinking about packing and writing a love letter to oregon. at my current pace, both items will be done in my next lifetime, and i will be all out of tears.

(just to be clear, i am still excited about going. i am just sad that it means leaving oregon, and it is better for me to feel the sadness when it comes up than to squash it.)

at any rate, i am in the mood for something lighthearted.

as far as i am concerned, a day with a ferris wheel to photograph is a very good day.

i took this photo last month, when the county fair was in town. you know what i just realized? while i was there, i was trying to decide whether it was smaller or larger than the county fair in my hometown. little did i know i might have the chance to compare them. this one did not have an entrance fee, so it might be the overall winner.

i ate a deep-fried twinkie while i was there. it was delicious; it tasted like a donut. i am marking that item as complete on my life list. next up, i think, is a deep-fried oreo.

have you eaten one of those unexpected deep-fried concoctions that are popular at fairs? how was it? should i add it to my list?

th-th-th-at’s all for now, folks!

so!

atlas and i are moving to michigan.

(now there’s a thing i never thought i’d say. except for many reasons, it feels exactly right.)

the plan is to move at the end of the month, so if i am quieter than usual, you will know why. i am trying to remember that if there is anyone that can pull this off, it is insanely organized me. (i had the idea this afternoon and within an hour or two, the entire downstairs had been reviewed and filed into three categories: goodwill/give, storage, and car. maybe i should hire myself out.)

atlas looks a little woebegone – the act of packing is stressful for him – but when we arrive and he learns that there will be a kitty, he will be over-the-moon with glee.

the kitty is his cousin kia. she did not love him when they met in 2007, but now he is older and a little calmer, and he will have more than two weeks to win her over. i am confident that he will be able to pull it off.

i am a mixture of so many emotions.

but for now, i am sleepy, and so i will let this be the end.

(though i do want to say that i am so so so happy that atlas will get to spend quality time with a kitty. also, we will be closer to my east coast sister, who has three kitties, at least one of whom might actually like atlas, so there is the possibility of more kitty adventures! i have a huge smile on my face at the thought.)

if you have been wanting to buy something from me, but just haven’t gotten around to it, now would be a lovely time!

the story club is still pay-what-delights you. and if you wanted something from my etsy shop, you can enter MICHIGAN as the coupon code for 20% off your order.

this is golden hour on one of both atlas and my favorite places in the world: the wildwood trail in forest park.

atlas is so funny. whenever i stop to take pictures, and i’m there for a while, he comes back to check out what i’m doing. usually, he is unimpressed and continues on again.

yesterday, i started writing a blog post titled “10 things you can do when the irs is knocking at your door”, because it made me giggle.

who knows, i may still finish and share it, but the moment is not right. i do, however, want to say that i am in what could best be described as a financial implosion.

one of the things i don’t talk about is money. not because i don’t like talking about it, because i actually do. i find money and personal finance to be interesting and fascinating and relevant. if there’s a book on money out there, i’ve probably read it. (years ago, i spent one birthday weekend at a cabin with atlas, eating angel food cake and chocolate pudding while reading every single rich dad poor dad book. now that is my idea of birthday fun. oh! i also own the rich dad cashflow game. i always forget about it – i haven’t played it in years – but it is so much fun.)

i also think that money is a topic that could use a great many more open and honest discussions. (i used to belong to a discussion board where people shared everything about money, up to and including numbers. it was the most fascinating board ever.)

at its core, money is simply a means of exchange, something we created to be of use. it is not inherently good or bad. the only value it has is what we ourselves apply to it – and that value is really only a story.

somehow, over the years, we seem to have given away much of our power to money; it can cause us to feel guilty and ashamed and irresponsible and to apply judgment to ourselves and others. this seems so strange because really, things are the way they are; they got there the way they got there; what’s right for one person is wrong for another; and our financial situation says nothing about our worth and value.

along with many other things, i think that talking about money is one of the ways we bring light into all the dark places and change this for the better.

i mostly don’t talk about money because it hasn’t popped into my head as a thing to talk about. or in this case, because i realized that i like people to buy my stuff because they love it and want it and the time is right, not because they are worried about me. but that, i decided, is a silly thing to worry about, because i always trust that you will do what’s right for you.

and it turns out that i do want to share where i’m at. not so that you will worry about me, or because i want or need sympathy. just because it is where i’m at and it feels important to share.

people, atlas here.

it has been the most exciting week!

on monday, i almost caught a bird. i would have caught it, only elizabeth pulled me away at the last minute. i don’t know why. she’s so strange sometimes. (she said something about thinking it would fly away and then it didn’t but i wasn’t really listening to her.) she should have let me catch it. it was just sitting there, waiting for me. i wouldn’t have hurt it. i don’t care about birds. i just wanted to sniff it.

on tuesday night, i stopped to sniff a rock on the path. it was cold and wet and then it jumped up and hopped away from me into the pond. i tried to catch it but it was too fast for me. what was it? what was that cold wet hopping thing?!

can you believe all the excitement? and it’s only wednesday. i wonder what else will happen this week. maybe i will finally catch my rabbit.

(has elizabeth told you the story of the rabbit yet? if not, she should. it was the best day ever. for me. elizabeth remembers a runaway pup and traffic and a sprained ankle. i remember chasing a speedy rabbit. oh, the fun. maybe she should have chased the rabbit with me.)