{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

people!

i have to tell you a secret because i am so very excited about it.

the plan, for a while now, has been that retinal perspectives will have a lovely new web home this year, likely toward the end of april.

and!

the thing i know now – which i discovered over the weekend, thankfully just in time to tell the designer before she started work – is that my business and web site will no longer use the name retinal perspectives.

it turns out that i am going to use my own name.

i am going to be ..

insert drumroll please ..

elizabeth halt :: the girl with the kaleidoscope eyes.

i am so in love with my new idea that i could just burst.

(that being said, i am still very fond of the name retinal perspectives, so it might remain in some form or fashion, at least for a while.)

i find myself blinking back tears rather often these days, though they are a different sort of tear than the usual.

you see, the thing i realized very recently is that i actually see myself with eyes of love and compassion now.

do you know that i will turn 35 in april, and that i cannot ever remember a time when i did not think i was a terrible, horrible, awful, no-good person? that's three decades, give or take, of self-loathing and perceived worthlessness.

i'm crying because it feels like i am coming home to myself, after a very long time away.

i'm also crying for all the versions of me who were not met with this same love and compassion. i want to wrap my arms around each one of them in turn and say, "oh, sweetie. i see you. i love you. and i am so so so sorry."

"To put your hands in a river is to feel the chords that bind the earth together."

– Barry Lopez

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

it is easy to believe in the possibility of radiance when the sun is shining. we are in a five day stretch of sun – with more promised – and, with the exception of one hard day, i feel like i am sparkling.

i know i could live somewhere sunnier, but i feel like regular winter sun would make the sunshine seem more ordinary and less celebratory. i like that the presence of the sun makes me want to drop everything in order to bask in it.

do you know the feeling of happy surprise and delight and gleeful anticipation that you get when you are waiting for something you love to arrive?

i love that feeling.

the thing i don't love about that feeling is that it ends.

secretly, i have been working on a way to keep that feeling going all year. and now it's ready.

i am happy to introduce you to my newest offering: the secret garden, a 2012 patron program for retinal perspectives.

i won't try to explain it further here – there's already a whole page for that – but i do hope you like it.

visit the secret garden.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

apparently i am taking nothing but photos of radiance these days, because i had a number of sets of radiance photos to choose from.

i picked these photos – from one particular set – because they aligned so well with my reason for choosing radiance and with what i am working on.

radiance is a patch of mud.

luminosity is a mud puddle.

really. is that not too perfect for words?

i can’t quite put my finger on why, but i really really like this photo.

remember my year of trust? well, erin at vulnerable pulp is looking for trust this year. i loved seeing her first glimpse of it.

it turns out that ice skating is like riding a bike and also not at all like riding a bike, at least when you haven’t skated in ten or so years. as in, you might not fall, but you might not be able to do much more than remain on your feet either. the ice is a slippery place, and those blades are awfully thin.

atlas is getting up at least twice a night for potty breaks lately. it might be just a habit, but i cannot figure out how to change it. sometimes i wonder why i thought i would die of sleep-deprivation if i ever had children. when i think about it, i’ve been somewhat sleep-deprived ever since i got atlas – over eight years ago – and clearly i’m still functioning. i might not be at peak performance, but i’m definitely functioning.

i stumbled upon a website for someone who creates digital mandalas and i cannot stop watching the mandala movies. watching each mandalas morph and dance and transform is quite possibly the most mesmerizing thing i have ever seen.

how are you? what is going on in your world today?

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

i keep trying to write a post about the darker side of radiance – the things that have come up for attention since i invoked the power of radiance – but it. is. just. not. flowing. it feels sluggish and heavy and dark.

sluggish and heavy and dark is rather how it feels to work on all of this at times, but the thing that saves me is my sense of humor and my fascination with how my mind works, so the energy of this particular post is all wrong and i cannot publish it.

instead, here is a quick list of things i have learned this month. as i write each one down, i am sending the underlying pattern love and giving it permission to exist. and i am also giving myself permission to be glad that most of them are on their way out.

• it doesn't really matter what nice things people say about you, unless you believe them yourself.
• voices that are older and more familiar, even if they are mean and hurtful, are easier to believe.
• even if i believe i am worthy now, old patterns that are based on the (now faulty) premise that i am unworthy need to come up for attention so i can look at them with fresh eyes.
• i am very good at projecting my own beliefs about myself onto the people in my relationships, which is why i am always waiting for the moment when they leave.
• of course it is hard for me to be vulnerable and to tell people how wonderful i think they are and how much i care about them if i am waiting for them to leave.
• my identity for 30 plus years has been based on the belief that i am unworthy. by invoking radiance, i am asking for my entire identity to shift. i sort of missed this part.
• practicing vulnerability in relationships is hard and important and very worth it.
• goodness, or the anticipation of goodness, can be scary too.

om shanti shanti shanti.

it occurs to me that if one is invoking the spirit of serendipity because they are hoping it will cause one specific explicit particular exact precise thing to happen that day, they might, in fact, be missing the whole point of serendipity.

and by one, of course, i mean me.

i have wanted to talk about beauty for a very long time.

i haven’t talked about beauty, because i don’t know where to start.

how do i talk about the thing i care about so intensely – the thing that is the touchstone for my life – that words seem inadequate and insufficient?

that, right there, is the first reason i haven’t started the conversation until now.

the second reason i haven’t started the conversation is that beauty is a loaded word.

our relationship with beauty can be fraught with pain.

there are entire industries that exist to convince us that beauty is a product and we can possess it – if and only if we buy their product. there are societal and cultural mores that portray beauty as useless and frivolous. it is put into boxes – this is beautiful and that is beautiful and unless something is like this or like that, it is not beautiful.

but none of that is what i mean at all.

when i think about beauty, i am thinking about:

compassion, congruence, harmony, symmetry, kindness.

joy, delight, simplicity, trust, surrender.

authenticity, vulnerability, radiance, love, passion.

pleasure, possibility, play, appreciation, acceptance.

celebration, belonging, presence, permission, desire.

creativity, courage, curiosity, discovery, insight.

sanctuary, homecoming, empathy, devotion, integrity.

inspiration, communion, truth, generosity, peace.

and so much more.

when i think about beauty, i am thinking about:

the richness of a deep, true friendship. the sparkle of sunlight on wet asphalt. the smell of lilacs.

cooking a meal and setting the table and lighting a candle, even when you are eating alone. a painting that stops you in your tracks. the sight of orion and his bow and arrow in the winter sky above you.

a hug hello. the crackling warmth of a campfire. the hush in the air after the first snowfall. deep belly laughter. bright green moss.

a photo that moves you and so you order it and wait excitedly for it to arrive and when it does, you frame it and hang it in the perfect place and then you stop and enjoy it every time you see it on your wall. placing the pillows on the couch just so.

helping someone in need. picking up a piece of garbage in the park and placing it in the trash can. belting out your favorite song while driving. a line in a book or a poem.

the sound of waves crashing on the sand. really truly seeing someone. ruby red pomegranate seeds. a dog on point. a field of prairie grasses blowing in the wind.

the crunch of a crisp dill pickle. the moment when you realize, “oh! this is why i do this!” a shadow on the wall. a single tear.

blue sky after days of grey. sharing something that you are deeply ashamed of and being met with love, compassion, and acceptance.

moonlight on the water. the hoot of an owl. the sight of someone you love coming toward you. two raccoon faces peering out from the branches of a tree on an evening walk. the thrill of the northern lights.

your breath in the frosty air. celebrating a friend’s success. the first sip of hot chocolate. blackberry gelato melting on your tongue. your favorite scarf.

and so much more.

there are two things i believe to be true about beauty.

the first is that beauty is a need.

the second is that beauty is a quality of the soul.

beauty might indeed be the thing i never talk about, but it is also the only thing i ever talk about at all.