i am following a number of threads, and they are all leading me to the same place – to the wanting.

thread the first.

for a long while, whenever i asked the question, "what is between me and earning money?", the answer that came was usually some variation of, "i don't want to earn money".

this was supremely frustrating to me. it seemed illogical – of course i want to earn money. it also seemed more and more hopeless – i have worked through so many layers of this belief and yet there it would be again. it is so frustrating to want to earn money and to find that you are – yet again – in your own way.

this came up again a couple of weeks ago. i asked, "what is between me and earning money?" the answer was, "i don't want to earn money" and then i cried, though i didn't really know why.

i sat with the question and answer. i felt a swirling in my belly. when i felt into it, what came up was, "what if i want to earn money and then i don't? what if i'm not enough?" i had the sense of an abyss, of terror, of wanting something to happen but it wasn't happening and i couldn't make it happen and so i decided that there must be something wrong with me. i had the sense that i stopped wanting in that moment because not wanting was a better reason for not getting something than feeling like there was something wrong with me, that i was wrong.

when i talked to the fear of wanting to earn money during a meditation, the image i got was of a very tiny baby screaming as loud as it could. it said that it was afraid that the pain would be so great that i would disintegrate, and the only way it could keep me safe from that pain was to keep me from wanting.

thread the second.

i might have mentioned this before, but i am reading your dog is your mirror (kevin behan). i just read a chapter that was very interesting to me. in it, the author talks about wanting. he talks about how, as we become aware of our self in relation to others, we begin to realize that others have something to do with our wants coming true. he talks about how we learn to justify our wants to satisfy the people we need in order to get what we want. he talks about how the only way we know how to make sense of our wants being corrected or denied is to create judgments like "i am not good enough to have what i want" because we are not old enough to have the necessary perspective.

the general idea of the book is that dogs manifest our unresolved emotional issues. he says that it takes his dogs about eight years to manifest his deepest stuff.

when i look at atlas, and the things i most love and the things i find most annoying about atlas, they are all related to wanting. interestingly, when atlas turned 8 1/2, which was also the time of our 8 year anniversary, i remember saying to one of the girls at the pet store, "it's like he woke up one day and said, 'i am 8 1/2 now! we shall do what i want from here on out!'"

in atlas, i can see a perfect mirror of my relationship with wanting. i can see that i think you have to subdue or ignore or set aside your wants in favor of what other people want in order to be good or liked or wanted or accepted.

thread the third.

i was sitting at the dinner table yesterday, feeling guilty that i wasn't giving atlas some of my meat sauce. never mind that it was my dinner and i had already fed him. i asked what was behind the guilt. i could feel that it was something that would make me cry, only i was trying to avoid it.

i sat with it for a while, and then i realized what it was. when i see atlas' hopeful expectant expression, it reminds me of me – and how i never get to feel that. i am avoiding the guilt of disappointing him by feeding him, because i am afraid that if i feel the guilt, i will feel my own loss, and i am avoiding that at all costs.

except i felt it in that moment, and now i do feel lighter.

i don't know where all of this is leading exactly, but i think it is leading me toward a better relationship with wanting, and with wanting what i want, and i am really looking forward to getting there.

this year, i am really noticing the first signs of spring. they appear so much earlier than i ever expect them. i was noticing them already in early february, and now they are starting to appear everywhere.

what are the first signs of spring in your neighborhood?

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

the other day, while out on a walk, i realized something.

the sun is always shining.

always.

even when i cannot see it because it is obscured by clouds or fog or the night sky.

for some reason, i find this enormously encouraging and inspiring.

so this is a pictorial depiction of me, bouncing in my seat with glee.

did you know that this marvelous drink existed? a vanilla steamer is basically a latte, sans espresso. in other words, steamed milk plus syrup.

i feel so virtuous. i am drinking milk. i feel like i should have at least one a day, if not two or three.

i am drinking one right now. it is probably the fourth or fifth one i've had since i discovered them last week and i am just as delighted with this one as i was with the very first one. possibly i have even beamed with happiness while drinking each and every one.

i don't know why cafes don't list steamers on the menu. don't they know about people who love cafes and don't love coffee and are always trying to find the perfect coffeeless coffee drink? think how many of these i could have drunk in my cafe-going lifetime!

(i must apologize to my prior coffeeless coffee love, hot chocolate, because i fear our brief but happy affair is over.)

do you remember when i told you about the picklewich? now i want to open a cafe next door. it will be a cafe for people who love cafes and don't love coffee. i think i will call it the purist, because it will be for people who like their drinks to be simple, not complicated and diluted and doctored up with espresso.

the simple pleasure of warm steamed milk. who would have thought of it. (wait a second. i have thought of it! i used to warm milk on the stove and add a little sugar and cinnamon when i wasn't in the mood for hot chocolate! sometimes i think my brain is a little slow on the uptake.)

"Joy drinks pure water."

"Beauty will dance with anyone who is brave enough to ask her."

– from The Book of Qualities by J. Ruth Gendler

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

today, in the spirit of lightness, i feel moved to tell you about the things i currently offer. i don't often mention them and the other day, i realized that because i don't, they often feel like i am embarrassed of them, which i am most definitely not. i love them all.

first, there is the secret garden: something (or somethings) you love plus a year of happy surprise, delight, and gleeful anticipation. because this is a year-long program, registration will close on march 15th.

second, there is the pause: time to put down your to-do lists and rest and recharge and renew, all in the comfort of your own home.

third, there is my etsy shop: beauty and delight and magic for mailbox and home.

fourth, there is the image grab bag: bite-sized doses of beauty that fit your life and budget, images that come with freedom and permission and possibility.

maybe one of them is just what you were needing or wanting and the time is just right!

either way, my heart is full of love and appreciation for you.

you are always welcome here.

i was trying to decide if this set of photos would be an ode to mark rothko; in the end, i decided they were not. i then decided that they could possibly be an ode to kandinsky, only a very loose one.

come to think of it, an ode to kandinsky might be a very fun photo project.

someday. when i am feeling more ambitious. i suspect i would need a great deal of shiva nata practice before my brain would be scrambled enough for that sort of challenge.

i am also quoteless. this seems unusual, but there it is.

rather than forcing myself to find words, i am giving myself permission and spaciousness.

i wish you blue skies and (seemingly endless) peaceful moments.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

sometimes, only the tiniest trick of the light can separate radiance and luminosity.

(i have to tell you the story behind these pictures. the pup and i were ending our walk this morning when the sun peeked out from behind the clouds. i remembered seeing a splash of oil on the asphalt – something i always find beautiful even as i wish it away – and ran inside to get my camera. we walked around the parking lot of the apartment complex looking for it. along the way, i stopped to take a photo of a puddle. atlas decided he was thirsty and got in the way of my planned picture. however, as he lifted his head up, water dropped from his jowls and into the puddle. the waves the droplets made as they landed were so pretty that i asked him to take another drink so i could take more pictures.)

(i keep wanting to use this quote but then i stop myself because it feels like i am patting myself on the back. except i really like the quote, and that is not my intent at all, so i am using it regardless of my hesitation.)

"Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where other people see nothing."

– Camille Pissarro