“Like the sky opens after a rainy day we must open to ourselves…. Learn to love yourself for who you are and open so the world can see you shine.”

– James Poland

i got an astrology reading from chris zydel a year or so ago. brilliant, by the way. one of the things that came up was that i needed to be taking a lot more risks.

truth be told, i had a hard time thinking of things that i could do. there are not really a lot of things that scare me. the idea of doing them might freak me out a little but i would still do them if i felt the urge. if i’m not doing them, it doesn’t really have anything to do with fear.

except i was avoiding the one thing that does scare me. it turns out that the thing that scares me is relationships and vulnerability and using my words.

it makes sense. the thing i am afraid of most of all is rejection (possibly this is true for many of us). to me, any form of using my words in relationship has the potential to result in rejection, so i avoid it at all costs.

this morning, it occurred to me that, since i am practicing using my words, i could do so by sending an email to someone to request that i be taken off a distribution list. i am a fan of the group that sends them. i know how to reach them. i just don’t read the emails and like to keep my email at a manageable level. i have wanted to make this request for ages. what did i do instead? i created a rule that sent the emails directly into a folder so i wouldn’t see them. except i did see them – i don’t like when things remain unread so i would pop into the folder to mark them as read – and every time i did, it felt slightly dishonest and even unkind to be hiding them away instead of just making the request.

i sat down and wrote an email and sent it.

immediately afterward, i felt nauseous. my insides were churning.

when i felt into it, there was a sense of fear, of panic, of terror. i could see a little girl hiding in the corner and saying, “you can’t say things to people! you can’t just say things without knowing how they’ll react! it’s not safe! don’t say anything at all! ever!”

i sent her love and safety, but goodness, it does make sense that i don’t like to use my words in close relationships when this is my response to using them in the most distant of distant ones.

still, yay, me. i am practicing.

maybe you can relate and you want to practice with me?

hurrah, hurrah, hurrah!

soon, lila and i will be together again.

oh. did i mention that i named my camera lila (the sanskrit word for divine play)? i am pretty sure that i named her when i bought her but i could not remember that name so i decided that she needed to be christened again.

want to hear a story, though?

when the woman at the camera shop called to say that i could pick up my camera, she mentioned that it started working when the technician started fiddling with it. after all the fiddling i did, that seemed weird, but whatever.

only.

last week, my iphone stopped working. it turned off in an instance when i was holding it and i could not get it to turn on again. i was sad and thought it was broken but i brought it to the apple store and they reset it and it worked perfectly.

that is two times where i thought something i loved and needed had broken and needed to be replaced and all it took was an expert’s touch.

this seems like a message from the universe, only i haven’t the faintest idea what it is telling me. if you have any suggestions, do let me know.

“And from beyond the intellect, beautiful Love comes dragging her skirts, a cup of wine in her hand.”

– Rumi

yesterday morning, i went for a walk with atlas. he paused at the blackberry brambles, having caught the scent of a cat. while he sniffed, i watched a little round bird trill from the top of a vertical branch.

i decided to offer up a prayer of thanks, “thank you for the possibility of an unexpectedly delightful and magical day”. then, i decided it was better posed as a question, “what if today could be unexpectedly delightful and magical?”

a few seconds later, a flash of blue flew across the blackberry brambles and into the trees.

i have seen a lot of blue birds (not necessarily bluebirds, but birds that are blue) in my day – two of them visited the rain gutter outside my bedroom window every evening around 5pm for many months – but i have never ever seen a bird this blue. it was incredibly and indescribably vivid and vibrant. i made atlas leave the kitty so i could follow the bird into the trees and admire it some more.

all the way home, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

that’s exactly how i feel about my new website. i feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

doesn’t allie do amazing work?! i cannot thank and appreciate her enough. when i was looking at the site last night, getting even more excited to show it to you, i got a little teary, knowing that it was going to be my new online home.

i hope you feel at home here as well.

you are welcome here.
always.
exactly as you are.

i am so honored that you are here.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

the spanish light.

there is a veil between the visible and the invisible.

sometimes, if you look closely, or if you don't look at all, the veil slips a little, and you can see into the world of mystery and magic.

"Let your life lightly dance on the edges of Time like dew on the tip of a leaf."

– Rabindranath Tagore

today, i am thinking about noticing.

i am thinking about how, when your eyes are more softly focused, you do notice things that are important. in addition, you see those things in relation to the whole, instead of in isolation.

this feels important somehow.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

another picture that makes me think of both radiance and luminosity.

p.s. i was closing registration for the secret garden earlier today, when i decided that i loved the card set for the circle of aqua so much that i wanted more people to have it. so, just for fun, i am leaving registration for the circle of aqua open through monday. if you were interested in it, there are a few more spaces available, and you have a few extra days to decide. maybe you want your year to be full of happy surprise, delight, and gleeful anticipation too!