Yesterday, I spent the afternoon eating pumpkin cake and playing Pictionary with my parents, grandparents, brother & sister-in-law, and sister, as we celebrated my sister’s birthday.

My nephew napped. Kia did whatever kitties do. Atlas napped behind my chair, no doubt dreaming of his own slice of cake.

It was a lovely day.

When I woke up this morning at 8, I felt exhausted, so I went back to sleep. I noticed that my first thought upon rising was, “Why am I still so exhausted?! It’s been a month. I should be getting up earlier by now. This is not acceptable. Besides, yesterday was a relaxing day; I should definitely not be tired.”

The window was open all night and there was a definite chill to the air so my next thought was, “I’m cold.” That thought was immediately followed by something like this, “But I’d have to get out a sweater. That’s fine if I’m cold. I can be cold for a while. I should toughen up anyway. It’s going to be winter soon.”

Why are we so hard on ourselves?

I’ve been practicing loving-kindness for at least five years now, and I find it so interesting that my first thoughts about myself are still so often ones of judgment and censure. This seems especially true when my behavior doesn’t meet a standard that I have set for myself (often one I am unaware of until I don’t meet it) or doesn’t meet a standard that I think other people meet.

I also find it interesting how often I still disregard my body’s needs and wants, thinking they are neither valid nor important.

Atlas and I slept in a tent for most of the past month – this was partly to give my body time to adjust to the kitty, partly so I could get some sleep (if inside, Atlas was too intent on the kitty to sleep which meant that I didn’t sleep), and partly because I was so enjoying it – and I woke up multiple times each night so that if Atlas woke up and rearranged himself, I would be able to immediately rearrange the blankets around him so that he would stay warm. Clearly warmth is important to me.

Sometimes all I need to do is notice.

I let myself be annoyed at my exhaustion. Half an hour later, I realized that I am actually back on my pre-move schedule.

I had forgotten that my body’s schedule had shifted.

It happened late last year or early this year. I was always an early-to-bed, early-to-rise person. Almost overnight, it seemed, I became a late-to-bed, mid-morning-to-rise person. I was often inspired with an idea around 10pm, I would work until 1 or 2am, and then I would wake up around 10am.

I had forgotten about this, possibly because instead of going with the flow, I spent a good deal of time feeling guilty about “sleeping in” and trying to force myself back to my previous schedule.

Sometimes I listen to what my body needs, even when I want to disregard it.

Because I do want my body to know that it is important to me, I took the time to put on a sweater and was amazed at how such a simple thing made me feel so loved and cared for.

I notice that I want to write so much more than this.

About life and art and confusion and passion and purpose. And so much more.

But I will stop for now.

May we all find a way to treat ourselves with compassion.