i am a new baby! or else my very zen future self.
this past weekend, i was jolted with what felt like a blinding flash of clarity. it felt like a miracle, which makes sense, because i read somewhere that a miracle is really a shift in perspective, and my perspective shifted in that one moment.
i realized that i have all these assumptions and expectations – conscious and unconscious, spoken and unspoken – about EVERYTHING. and i realized how i make myself and everyone else wrong for not meeting them.
it sounds so silly when i say it because of course i do. it’s not like i haven’t heard this before. i’m pretty sure this is one of those foundational bits of wisdom.
but oh my gosh, i get it now, in my bones get it, and getting it feels like nothing i’ve ever imagined.
i feel like a little kid. everything is so new and fascinating.
take a phone call, for instance. i call someone, and then apparently i assume that they will call me back. but why? did i tell them to call? and even if i did tell them to call, why does telling them to call make me assume that they will call? i never had a conversation with them where i said “if i tell you to call me, can you agree to call me back? if yes, does this apply to every single instance? are there exceptions? what about a timeframe?”
or take a hello. i say hello. and then i expect the other person to say something back. but why? also, it is clear that i think that some answers are acceptable and some are not. why is that? and why do i feel rejected if they don’t say anything? they might have assumptions and expectations for the exact same situation that are completely different from mine.
and this applies to everything!
it was like everything melted away in that one moment and all i was left with was love. i wanted to call everyone in my life and tell them how sorry i was for all the ways i made them wrong. when i think about it, it seems a wonder we function at all. we’re all just bumbling along, doing the very best we can, and there’s no way we can know everyone else’s assumptions and expectations when we aren’t even aware of our own.
i feel like slightly future me, who always annoyed me with her zen-like outlook on life.
of course, life being life, i can feel the newness and wonder of this fading. but the thing i have noticed is that i am left with a very clear witness, at least related to expectations and assumptions. as soon as i do something, she points them out to me. often, once i am aware of them, they fall gently away. it is so freeing. i hope it lasts for a while.
fascinating and wonderful discovery. wise!
the marine told me once… “you’d be happier if you let go of control.”
i thought i was happy! LOL.
but he was and is right. and i do it without even realizing i’m doing it.
in my mind i mean.
now i’m trying to at least become aware of it. and it’s amazing! it’s a habit i want to break.
then i might feel the freedom you speak of here!
I so do too! Goodness, do I think my mind is powerful. It cracks me up when I think about it.
Can you make a decision without assumptions and the expectation of the outcome?
Ah! I have so much I want to say! But I have to go meet a friend.
The short version is: it probably depends.
First, I do think this whole learning is most useful to me in relationship (by which I don’t mean relationships as they are generally defined, more that we are in relationship with every other person, and it is useful in the spaces where we come together).
Second, that is actually how I make my decisions. At least the big ones. Once I’ve made a decision, my mind follows, and comes up with assumptions and expectations around that decision. I think it’s because that is the one area where it is easy for me to follow what feels right and to see that you never really know the outcome. Not saying this is a right way or a wrong way to make decisions, it just is what I do. I’m trying to think of examples but I am too scattered. I think I am complete for now.
But don’t you have to make assumptions about the outcome of your decision before you make the decision? Otherwise how do you decide if it is the appropriate decision. You don’t always know the outcome of your decisions, but you must have some idea of the possible outcomes. Those ideas are assumptions.
Am I making any sense?
It makes total sense. But my process is that something feels right and I follow it. I wish I could explain it better. I did, however, think of medical things, because that probably is an area where I would assume or expect something to happen as a result of doing or not doing something and I would use that to guide my decisions.
I just wanted to thank you so much for being a faithful bloggy friend. You come to my blog, read what I share and leave a kind comment. All when I have been almost nonexistent for over a month. Thank you, thank you. It means so much to me.
Relyn: Welcome back from your vacation! I need to send you a note. I think that you were here and I missed you.
This post makes me smile.
Oh how good it feels to have those slices of understanding! It’s like mercy in a way, and acceptance for the differences.
Love you, Lib!
Mercy + Acceptance. Mmmmmmm. Yes.
Love you and your wise words.