i’d love you to love me
i suspect that anyone who visits my online home or meets me in person learns immediately that i have a puppy and that i adore him. i do. beyond reason and measure.
but here is the hard and painful truth – i need him. i need him to be here and well.
this is why i have such a hard time when he's ill: part of me jumps into the past, to the time when he was ill and they didn't know if he would live; part of me jumps into the future, to the time when he will leave me. even as i am taking care of him, worry and panic are swirling around in my head.
i know that this is not particularly healthy – for me or him – but it is a hard pattern to untangle. in the beginning, i knew how much it scared me to think of losing him, but i didn't know why. eventually, i realized that it was because i needed him, but i still didn't know why.
until the moment i did.
i've written about my struggle with worth – a deep core belief that i am worthless. i couldn't have articulated it for much of my life, but it was always there.
when atlas came into my life, he showed me that i was worthy of love. not when i did the right thing or was the right person, but even as i did the wrong things and wasn't the right person. i still didn't believe it, but he was always there to show me.
he was with me through a number of increasingly harder and sadder years that i never told anyone about. i was the person who was always happy and smiling and how does that person tell someone that something is terribly wrong. especially when she doesn't know what it is.
he was there when i found reiki and began to listen to myself and slowly learn what was wrong – and he was there as the healing began.
he was there for all of it.
now, there is a part of me that believes that all the good in my life is attached to atlas and it will go when he does. that is why i need him. because that part of me believes that if (when) he leaves me, not only will i lose my beloved puppy, but i will lose all the love and the joy and the goodness along with him.
intellectually, i know this is not so. i know that i am not the same person i was then. (well, that's not entirely true. i am the same person. i am just becoming more and more me.) i know that the common thread is not atlas but me. but i don't know it – really know it – yet.
this is a big part of why i chose trust as my word for the year. because working with this pattern is a big part of my practice.
i must confess that i am not entirely sure why i feel moved to share this. it is hard for me to admit this to myself, let alone to others.
i am afraid that if i share it, people will laugh and think less of me. but i also suspect that i am only afraid of this because i have an internal voice that laughs at me. "he's just a dog." "get over it already."
at the same time, i suspect that we all have needs and desires and fears that we are afraid to admit. we are afraid that people will judge us for them. we are afraid that people will think less of us for them. we are afraid that people will stop loving us for them.
maybe if i share one of mine, someone else will feel a little less alone, a little less afraid, a little less unsure.
I will never, ever laugh at you for sharing this. Because I understand. It’s scary when you open your heart to let yourself love something unconditionally…and that’s what you are doing. Whenever one of mine get sick, I go to those morbid thoughts too and I can work myself into a panic over it. I agree that I don’t think it’s ‘helpful’ but I also think it’s normal for a mamma to love her baby that much.
i think it’s good of you to share this. gotta share the good and bad feelings right? i don’t think anyone would mock you for Atlas-loving.
nothing’s easy in this life, but it’s easy to see he has enriched yours.
love to you and ATlas.
I think you have put into words the thoughts and fear that we all have. Love of an animal or loving another human being is the same in that it makes us vulnerable to losing that love. In fact, it makes us aware that we will definitely at some point “lose” that object of our deepest affection. And yet, all of us need to be loved and open ourselves up to that eventual pain – that is what we are here on the planet to do, I think. To know that there will be pain, and yet to love anyway.
Why you do you need Atlas’ love ? Because you need to be loved to love in return. Just like all of us.
I am so glad you have that fur ball to show you have loveable you are.
Light and love from me, Brilliant One.
thank you for sharing . as you say someone will really connect with your words my friend.
animals touch us in a way no person ever can .. you have a gem in Atlas !!
Yes. And, thank you.
yes, atlas *is* “just a dog.” and you are just a person. it is simple. two lovely simple beings who are just right. as you are. you love atlas even when he is not at his physical best, and he simply loves you.
this is such a beautiful post, lib.
i think that part of you started to heal before you adopted atlas as your own puppy. the love part was waking up and you were ready to test your love wings with atlas at your side. the best training wheels EVERRRR!
xo
A dog is never just a “dog”.
he’s not just a dog, he’s atlas: the best dog ever:) <3
Beautifully said! And so so true.
There’s no way that Atlas is “just a dog”, and your inner critic completely misses the point when he/she says “Get over it!”. Perhaps this is an opportunity to be tender with your inner critic, who is clearly out of their depth and confused and therefore hanging on and lashing out, to keep you in the realm of “what can be rationalised and understood”. Poor inner critic… they really don’t get it. Send him/her love and send them to the moon!
I feel so much richer for having seen this tender, exquisite part of you. And it has helped me understand a little more about myself too.
Kat x
Makes perfect sense to me. Atlas is your companion, of course he’s important to you.
I’ve been thinking about worthiness myself the past couple weeks. Been a bit reluctant to write and post my thoughts, and now I’m getting distracted by other things, so I’m not sure I will. But I sincerely thank you for sharing your thoughts on it. Most of us judge ourselves too harshly, I think.
People who have never loved animals may say things like that, but I will never be one of them.
My dog has witnessed me moving from the life I was “supposed” to have to the life I’m building from want and passion. And no one else has seen all the sad nights and the mornings I pasted on the smile for someone else. So yes. When I do lose her, I will have one fewer connection to the part of me that went through all of that.
Sending you (and Atlas!) lots of love.
Oh, goodness. I’m sorry you’re having trouble when Atlas doesn’t feel well. He really has been there for you. I’ve never had that sort of bond with a dog, but I hope to one day. I think I can understand a bit, because Mary has seen me through hard times. I’m sometimes afraid that if she were to be gone, I’d go back to being fragile and insecure, like I was before I met her.
Sending love to you and Atlas.
I am so *not* thinking less of you for being where you are, feeling what you feel, and sharing it in the hope that it helps someone. Lots of love to you, my dear.
sigh. thank you for sharing. sharing your truth is a reminder that I am not alone, nor are you. with eternal love, danielle
Such lovely honesty–thank you. And thanks to Atlas too.
new rule – no “just” – it is not just a photo, it is not just writing, you are not just a friend, he is not just a dog, she is not just my sister.
I understand this completely, my beloved Chester healed a heart I didn’t know was hurt, he grew me like a flower with his unconditional devotion, and when I found my soul mate, he loved us both and we loved him dearly ….
Atlas is a special boy indeed
Thank you for posting this-for trusting that it needed to be shared. XOXO
Thanks for sharing! If Atlas ever leaves you, you won’t be the same…you’ll have all that you learned about yourself through him.
Simply said, I was very moved by your words. If anyone were to think less of you for sharing this, they are the fool. You are a strong & beautiful woman and I thank you for being so real with how you feel. You are more than worthy of being loved and you are loved….as well as Atlas…by so many. I am sorry we didn’t connect over the holidays but Sierra and I will be up in Portland again and I will keep you posted and hope we can get together. Stay strong and beautiful my friend!
Thanks for sharing your heart and fears in a very moving post. Pets are companions who love unconditionally- something that humans aren’t as good at. You needed him to show you that and he needs you too. I hope he’s doing okay right now? Much love to you! And your pup.
Beautiful post, Elizbeth. I, too, understand what needing my dog is all about. It’s disconcerting and comforting and beautiful and mysterious. I don’t know who I’d be without the dogs I’ve shared my life with. I think, though, that I would be incomplete, lost, floundering. And I think I wouldn’t like me very much.
oh, i am feeling the love. <3 <3 <3
@sherron: your love for your animals is so evident in your stories about them. yes to incomplete + lost + floundering me-of-before. i imagine i could have gotten here in multiple ways, but i cannot imagine a better/sweeter one.
@jilliankay: so true.
@julie: he's doing wonderfully, thank you. it's just something i've been thinking about writing out for a while now and apparently now was the time.
@dawn: i know how the holidays go, no need to be sorry. someday the timing will be right and it will be lovely to catch up. xoxo
@stephanie: you are so welcome.
@kath: exactly! you summed it up beautifully and eloquently. (also, i like the idea of avoiding the word just. practicing ..)
@lori-ann: you are so welcome (from both of us).
@danielle: you are never alone. love you immensely.
@josiane: {hugs}
@kylie: i understand that perfectly. oh! i read the you + mary story yesterday! it was so touching and loving.
@kat: so true. no one is "just" anything. i am practicing kindness toward my inner critic because i know they are just trying to keep me safe. but yes, it takes practice. here's to understanding ourselves!
@julie: “My dog has witnessed me moving from the life I was “supposed” to have to the life I’m building from want and passion.” yes! that is it exactly!! oh, that made me so happy to read. sending love to you and your dog.
@claire: too harshly indeed. i suspect we all do. hopefully it grows less and less.
@helen: i agree 100%.
@jerry: agree completely.
@jen t: in retrospect, i think you’re right. it does seem like things show up when you are ready and open to them. “lovely simple beings who are just right. as [they] are.” so true for all of us. xo
@kris: you are so welcome.
@elk: just like you have a gem in sam.
@kim: so beautifully put. my heart might break eventually, but it will break open.
@ann: exactly. i can’t share the one without the other.
@brandi: and our furry ones are so worth it. ugh to those morbid thoughts. i need to remember to ban google when i am worried. š
elizabeth.
first of all.
thank you!
when you spill your heart open like this i think you are the most beautiful ever. you are so raw and we get to see right deep inside. i love it.
i love you.
i love atlas.
i love that atlas loves you.
i think we all have “tools” that help us to discover who we are and what we value and what is important to us. it might be religion or an illness or children or an ATLAS .
they are all so very important to our progression.
i LOVE the woman you were in october of 2009 and i love even MORE the woman you are in february of 2011.
keep being YOU.
wonderful
you.
xo
c
The people who would say that just don’t understand. And they are not a part of your tribe. Of course they are still worthy of love and respect, but not of the ability to impact your life. Does that make sense? And, yes, I think you are exactly right. And very brave to share your truth here. The willingness to be open and transparent blesses everyone who reads it. Or at least, blesses those of us who are in your tribe – and who need your words.
Thank you so much for having the courage to share this, Elizabeth. Here’s to all of us who are working on believing that we are worthy of love, regardless.
Powerful words, elizabeth.
I’ve been sitting here trying to compose a reply.
I can’t.
Just thank you for sharing so much of yourself with all of us. I learn.
Love.
I don’t think you’re alone in that we all have other animals or people who help us realize our own possibilities. And, it’s clear Atlas needs you as much as you need him.
dogs are so great. i often wish people more of their traits!! smooch to atlas!
If you have read “A Dog’s Purpose” by W Bruce Cameron, you will understand this comment. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it.
Atlas is your Bailey and you are Atlas’ Ethan.
This is not silly, this is a natural thought we all have about the ones we love so dearly.
While there will never be another Atlas, you have so much love in side you, that you will open your arms and heart to anther companion when the time comes.
One thing I have learned to do that has made me happier in my self in recent times, is to not think about the “bad what if’s” concentrate on what is good in the moment. Worry about the bad things we have no control over only when they happen.
Oh Elizabeth…the bond you and Atlas share is so strong and so full of meaning. Our pets are so unconditional in their love for us and are always there to help heal our aching hearts. I have to tell you, I have never had the opportunity to have a dog and feel that strong bond, but I do feel it with my bunny Taro….and I worry that people may laugh at me too, because he is *just a rodent* but that little guy is everything to me. And I find myself dreading the future too…he is almost 9. I don’t even want to think about the end. I live alone, and his company, even though it is quiet, gets me through some long nights, you know? But the day will come when our loveable companions will go, but I wouldn’t trade the time I have had with him for the world!
Enjoy every moment with Atlas and let his love comfort you in the here and now. xoxoxo
my cat Lil Mudd died a week after you posted this but I’m just reading it now. he was a part of my life for 14 years; we went through so much together. I’m in tears now. I feel like you understand. he loved me and taught me about family and home. he was sick since last summer and it was hard watching him deteriorate. really hard. I hope it’s a really long time before you lose atlas. thank you for posting this.