the dawning of the light, volume 23
{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}
i am starting to think that power and radiance might be a two year journey.
the other day, i looked in the mirror three or four times before i left the house. i felt pretty and it was such a novel feeling that i kept going back to it.
every once in a while, i will be in the midst of writing out postcards and cards for friends and it will occur to me that i am a good friend and i don’t know why i always think that i’m not.
the day before i left for spain, i organized my day in order to buy fresh bagels from panera and spent time trying to figure out how to pack everything so there would be room for them. i had asked my sister if she wanted me to bring her anything. later, it occurred to me to ask if her roommates wanted me to bring them anything as well; one of them wanted bagels. while i was driving around, i was wondering why i always think that i’m not a nice person, when buying bagels didn’t seem like something that a not-nice person would do.
many of the people i love are wonderful writers. every time i read a piece of their writing, whether it be a blog post or an email, i wish i could write like them. a while ago, i read through a bunch of my favorite posts because i was looking for one that i could repurpose for a project. as i was reading, i realized that i can write. what i mean by that is – when i really want to talk about something, i can usually find a way to express my thoughts and feelings in a way that feels good to me.
shortly after having one of these thoughts, another thought pops into my mind, which is, “wow, i am vain and egotistical and think highly of myself.”
i have decided that the reason positive thoughts feel so uncomfortable and wrong is because i am not used to them. after all, they are a new development. after all, i have years of believing the opposite. after all, i have years of being taught that it is bad to say nice things about yourself.
i think i want to practice more.
i think i also want to take the resulting “but this is wrong and bad and i am wrong and bad” less seriously. i am guessing it feels a lot worse in my head than it actually is. (sort of like how, if you’ve spent your life trying to please other people, giving your opinion on something small, like whether or not you liked a certain movie, feels really big and possibly relationship-ending.)
truth be told, i have a feeling that we could all probably stand to give ourselves a lot more credit than we do.
I look forward to the day that i becomes I.
You are a good friend. Just be careful not to sacrifice yourself for people who don’t really care.
hmmm. for my own self, i think i want to separate those two things. i don’t want to take care of others at my own expense – practicing love + compassion for self is helping with that. but i also want to give with no expectation based on what is in my heart. not that i am always there, but that is my practice.
I guess the ideal is giving with no expectations attached. But, it is a human feeling that it totally is rotten to give and not *ever* get anything back from certain individuals.
Once when staying with some relatives, I offered to pick up whatever anybody needed when I was out running errands for myself. My sister in law complained “Jeez, you’re so conscientious“. Who knew that could be a bad thing? It was what I grew up with. If you were going out, you asked if anyone needed anything; if you were making a sandwich, you offered to make one for whomever else was in the kitchen…No big deal, right? I was really shocked and hurt by her reaction and it has stayed with me for many years. Indeed, it is sometimes hard to be “good.”
ow. that sounds like it would sting. i hope it fades with time because i know that wanting to do something and doing it while remembering criticism or wanting to do something and not doing it because of criticism don’t feel good at all.
Yes, that’s so true. Thanks for understanding!
unrelated to the comments, but just to clarify, i think you can be nice or sweet or what have you and still not offer to buy bagels, it was just the incongruity of thought and action in that instance that struck me.
i think one of the most helpful things that was ever said to me was from a very wise older woman. and now that i am older … big smile here … i can pass it on to you…
her words were “tammy always remember to honor the little girl that is inside you and part of you and who will never leave you.”
it’s pure enchantment to see a little girl discover that she looks pretty.
you can never love enough. and that starts with yourself. i am still getting rid of all the thousands of “shoulds” and “you’re nots.” i found they hamper my growth. i only wish i’d started sooner in life!
Your last line summed it up so beautifully, Elizabeth… We do need to give ourselves more credit. Nothing wrong with recognizing when we’ve done well. Sometimes if we don’t others might not! Not that they don’t notice maybe, for they might… but sometimes we need that little extra. I loved what you said, “the reason positive thoughts feel so uncomfortable and wrong is because i am not used to them…” I used to feel like that too. And it took some practice to understand it all and find my way of living with positive thoughts. It’s funny how negative thoughts seem to come more easily than positive ones, depending on where we are in life. I’m all for positivity, you know. ;o) Sneaking a visit during my little digital sabbatical… Can’t stay away from from too long. Happy Days, my friend ((HUGS))