in this moment
i feel the urge to share a little about where i am these days, only in a perfectly imperfect fashion, so it’s possible this may seem more rambling than usual. i am just warning you in advance.
for the past many months, i’ve felt the occasional urge to apologize for neglecting my blog. i have managed to restrain myself. partly because blog writing and online time ebbs and flows, much like everything else in life, so change feels natural and inevitable and expected. partly because i am trying to break a bad habit of feeling like i need to apologize for pretty much everything. partly because i think the only person who thinks i am neglecting my blog is me, and that’s only because i have been blogging almost daily since 2007 so anything less than that feels like neglect. i like to blog when i feel inspired. i don’t want to turn it into a should.
i came home from spain feeling rather discombobulated and things have been shifting ever since. well, they were shifting before that – and have been for a long time – but it feels even deeper now.
i am in an interesting place for me. i feel very wordless. there are so many things i want to talk about – style, how beauty is a need, morocco and disappointment, finding my way to my own truth, books and reading and holding a vision, why i cried after buying a pair of paige jeans .. the list goes on and on. and yet i remain without words for any of it.
when i think about it, it makes sense that i am wordless. i am going through identity change and inner shifts at a faster and faster pace. right now, i am rewriting old stories – stories that say that i am worthless, that people don’t like me, that i don’t deserve friendship and love, that i am ugly on the outside and inside. i am learning that what i feel and need and want is important. i am learning that i can go after what i want and get it. i am learning to use my words in relationships. i am learning that people can be annoyed with me and it’s not the end of the friendship. i am learning to eat when i’m hungry. i am changing my patterns of punishing my body and myself for perceived flaws/failures. i am learning how to be vulnerable. i am learning to bear disappointment. i am learning how to not take things personally and how to not to see rejection where it doesn’t exist. i am learning that i am the expert on my own life. i am learning to take emotional risks. i am uncovering and shifting old stories that keep me from doing things i want to do. (goodness. i didn’t realize how much i was shifting until i wrote this and i didn’t even write all of it. clearly i don’t do anything half-heartedly.)
it makes sense that i am wordless. i don’t exactly know who i am from day to day. this is not to say that i am changing; it feels more like i am finding my way back home.
instead, i am refilling my well. i am spending time with friends and exploring portland and sitting in cafes and eating ice cream and hiking. i am making my current offerings even more congruent and working on new offerings related to stories. i have completely overhauled my wardrobe, am finding my way to my own style, had my first brow wax, bought makeup, and my hair is sun kissed again. (someday, i want to write about why this is important for me to focus on right now.) i am putting effort into the things i thought i would do or have someday. someday when i was finally successful enough or thin enough or whatever enough. someday when i was finally enough on the outside to make up for what i thought i wasn’t on the inside. someday when i was finally worthy of the things that i thought were reserved for other people – things like friendship and love and beauty.
it is an interesting, if unusual and unexpected, place to be.
if you never wrote again elizabeth, this would be enough.
your ability to strip all facades of emotion and show the real thing are so touching and real and helpful to other people.
what you feel i think is what many of us feel who can’t say it nearly as well.
i call what you’re going through
a “sea change.” it comes from the very depths. it’s exciting and scary at the same time. and wonderful.
blessings to you grasshopper!
love,
tammy j
Sometimes words just get in the way.
*HUGS*
What Andrea said.
Gorgeous post.
This -> “it makes sense that i am wordless. i don’t exactly know who i am from day to day. this is not to say that i am changing; it feels more like i am finding my way back home.” Resonance. Thank you so much for finding those words; they slipped into my heart and hummed a little song of epiphany.
My wonderful Elizabeth friend. I am so glad to know you.
((hugs))
-case
As usual, I am without words. But your post resonates. Sounds like you’re coming along
Lots of love for you, sweet and beautiful Elizabeth. {hugs}
Wonderful. And it completely makes sense. I’m in a place where I feel wordless as well but I wasn’t able to even put that into words.
No apologies needed… You just keep filling that beatiful well of your. For we need to take time to refill the well. And finding our own truth and expressing it is as essential as breathing. This place you are in is the one I was about a year ago, and to a certain extent still exploring. So much comes to the surface it’s not always easy to express it all the time. But that’s OK… It’s all good. Being a words person myself, I often feel odd when the words get in the way. But learning that’s OK too. I’ve always admired the raw honesty you share here, my friend…be it in word or image. What a great place you are in just now! Just be… be free! :o) ((BIG HUGS)) P.S. Yes, that painting e-course I just took was Flora Bowley’s Bloom True was based on her workshops of the same name Bloom True intuitive painting. The course was the best creative course I ever took! I hope to share photos & more on that early next week now I’m done. You would love the course, and I can highly recommend it. Bowley has a book out now too, a companion book to the course.
Wow, that’s inspiring
first things first .. I LOVE your new space …WOW!!
secondly …words are overrated .. I see your heart and soul here and that is all that matters … blessings to you and Atlas!!
elk: thank you!!! i’m so glad you like it!
kris:
tracy: yes! that is it! it is odd when the words get in the way. so glad to hear your thoughts on the course! i should check if she’s offering it again. i definitely want to see photos!
julie: words are so troublesome sometimes.
ann: i’m coming along. slowly but surely.
casey: i am thinking about your song of epiphany and smiling. i am so glad to know you.
josiane, becca, andrea: i am catching your hugs and sending one right back.
jerry: they really do!
tammy: a sea change! oh my goodness – i love that idea so – that is exactly what it feels like! thank you for sharing that!
.
It seems the exact right words came for you to share this. For that we are lucky, because reading it gave me goosebumps and happy tears and big open feeling in my chest.
So Lovely Elizabeth.
mmmmm. my heart is full. you are a big part of this – i hope you can feel my love & gratitude.