using my words
i got an astrology reading from chris zydel a year or so ago. brilliant, by the way. one of the things that came up was that i needed to be taking a lot more risks.
truth be told, i had a hard time thinking of things that i could do. there are not really a lot of things that scare me. the idea of doing them might freak me out a little but i would still do them if i felt the urge. if i’m not doing them, it doesn’t really have anything to do with fear.
except i was avoiding the one thing that does scare me. it turns out that the thing that scares me is relationships and vulnerability and using my words.
it makes sense. the thing i am afraid of most of all is rejection (possibly this is true for many of us). to me, any form of using my words in relationship has the potential to result in rejection, so i avoid it at all costs.
this morning, it occurred to me that, since i am practicing using my words, i could do so by sending an email to someone to request that i be taken off a distribution list. i am a fan of the group that sends them. i know how to reach them. i just don’t read the emails and like to keep my email at a manageable level. i have wanted to make this request for ages. what did i do instead? i created a rule that sent the emails directly into a folder so i wouldn’t see them. except i did see them – i don’t like when things remain unread so i would pop into the folder to mark them as read – and every time i did, it felt slightly dishonest and even unkind to be hiding them away instead of just making the request.
i sat down and wrote an email and sent it.
immediately afterward, i felt nauseous. my insides were churning.
when i felt into it, there was a sense of fear, of panic, of terror. i could see a little girl hiding in the corner and saying, “you can’t say things to people! you can’t just say things without knowing how they’ll react! it’s not safe! don’t say anything at all! ever!”
i sent her love and safety, but goodness, it does make sense that i don’t like to use my words in close relationships when this is my response to using them in the most distant of distant ones.
still, yay, me. i am practicing.
maybe you can relate and you want to practice with me?
Practice..practice..practice. It’s all about using your words to speak your truth – which you did with the letter you wrote. I can so relate..and – it does get easier/better!
I can relate though I have more trouble using my words in person. I did have a little breakthrough this week though. Yay us!
Hello, friend. Things are looking so gorgeous over here.
Yes, again. Resonance.
For two months I’ve been meaning to make postcards for several friends. And yet, it still hasn’t happened. I think I will take your post (and the one about mailing things that I just read this morning) as two clues that maybe I should just do it. Stop wondering where the resistance originates and make and send the cards. (though, of course, my thinky brain wants to know more about the resistance, so, with your permission, I’d like to tell him, “Elizabeth says just send the postcards! You can think about resistance later.”)
Much love,
-case
marcie: i am happy to hear that it gets easier!
claire: yay, you! i can’t wait to read about your breakthrough!
relyn: thank you! i hope you’re enjoying your summer vacation
casey: how timely! yes. you can tell your brain i said there will be lots of time to think about resistance afterward. maybe we can talk about this on our walk tomorrow!
i love these pictures.
fresh. white. cool.
it’s so hot and humid where i am!
i’m a gallumper. i fret and worry.
then i gallump in and say it.
then i’m sorry. or not.
i don’t know if it gets easier.
maybe i’ve just gotten used to it!
Words and relationships… some of the most beautiful and yet tricky parts of our life practice. :o) I can relate too… and I think we all have had run-ins with rejection that have left their make and leave some traces of fear to work with. But I can echo what Marcie said at the top. It’s all about being brave enough to speak our truth—and have the courage to keep speaking that truth. I think when we are truthful with others, they can then be truthful with us. Not always easy, and sometimes painful, depending on the situation. But there is something to be said for that saying about honesty being the best policy. ;o) LOVELY images, by the way on this one. Very dreamy… And fun with the astrology reading. I’ve not had on in ages. I’m learning to read tarot cards at the moment with much assistance from my sister who knows about these things. Very fun! Happy Days, Elizabeth ((HUGS))
Sheesh. Can I relate to this!!