i want to tell you a story
once upon a time, i was an engineer.
most of the time, i liked – and even loved – my work. it seemed like life was good, that i should have been happy and contented.
only i wasn’t. there was a current of longing, a restlessness, a nagging sense of disquiet that was always running below the surface.
it felt like something was missing in my life – something important – and i couldn’t figure out what it was.
i wish i could convey how confusing and frustrating it was to always feel like something was missing.
i tried to fill the hole: with people, with activities. that didn’t work.
i tried to ignore the hole. that didn’t work either. every once in a while, the confusion and frustration would overwhelm me and i would decide that it must mean i was in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing. i would start researching other options: graduate school or the peace corp or other companies.
i thought it meant that i had to change everything.
but changing everything is a daunting prospect, and none of my ideas ever felt quite right, so i would eventually go back to ignoring it.
i did this for ten years.
the thing i know now, that i didn’t know then, is that something was missing.
i was missing a part of me.
the long hours and the stress and the busy days made it easy for me to forget all the parts of me that i didn’t need in order to do my work. they slipped further and further away from me. eventually, i forgot they were ever important at all.
the thing I know now, that i didn’t know then, is that we need beauty.
we need beauty and wonder and amazement.
we need to remember that we are more than our work.
we need to remember that there are other parts of us that need nourishment.
the thing i know now, that i didn’t know then, is that beauty is neither a luxury nor a frivolity.
beauty is a need.
beauty can nourish the parts of us that we’ve forgotten and that desperately need nourishment.
beauty can feel like a long cool deep life-giving drink to parts of us that we didn’t even realize were dying of thirst.
there are so many ways to add beauty to your day.
here are some of my favorites.
- minimizing all the open browser windows and programs and gazing softly at the tulips on my computer background
- a pause and a breath
- a glance out the window to watch the leaves wave in the wind
- chai tea in a favorite mug
- a quick doodle with fat colorful markers
- standing up and stretching
- sending a hello text to a friend
- wearing a favorite outfit or scarf or piece of jewelry
- (my personal favorite, the only one i couldn’t have done in my little cubicle) getting up from my chair to go over and kiss the pup on the top of his sweet furry head
I know exactly what you mean. I have felt something missing for two years. I keep hoping that it will find me. My job is just a job…I spend my days trying not to quit, which only further drags me down. Small things like you suggested do help. But I can’t help thinking there is some better purpose for me…
Kirsten: Witnessing your sharing and wishing you clarity & purpose.
I am reminded of the time I tried to figure out my purpose. When I finally did, I found it very helpful, because I realized that it was something that I could act on no matter where I was. I had previously thought it was going to be a job description. Not so much, it turned out.
ohhhh…this was fantastic
and so true.
i am so happy that you shared it and
so glad that I came across it.
this is so like me. once upon a time, i was an engineering student. i escaped at every opportunity and drank in poetry like a dying woman. i finished the degree and it nearly killed me. i was so determined not to do the wrong thing that i did nothing at all. i’m still learning to trust my instincts.
Fiona: Witnessing your courage and commitment to yourself. I know how it feels to be learning to trust your instincts.
I was always trying to find something else when I was in school, but I never knew what to do, so I didn’t do anything. Fortunately, it turned out that I liked/loved the eventual jobs – they were more suited to me than the schooling thankfully.
thank you elizabeth for your gentle sensitive reply
I just stumbled across your lovely blog and so very pleased I did.
Perfectly worded and a feeling I can totally associate with most days.
I try to see the beauty in the ordinary (in fact I started my blog for that very reason – to record the simple things that make me smile and bring me joy in life. It has brought much more beauty to my life than I ever thought possible (fellow bloggers thoughts, words, musings, photographs, art and beautiful new friends.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful post and I do hope you dont mind me stopping by.
Sophie
Sophie & gkgirl: Welcome! I am so happy you are here. I am looking forward to visiting you over at your online homes.
My story starts the same way… once upon a time, I was a financial analyst. I recently just quit my job to do what I love. I love to paint.
I can totally relate. I enjoyed school and work, but I needed to give myself the chance to pursue my passion. I’m so glad I took the leap!
Chai tea in a favorite mug… love.
I just stumbled on your blog today by way of Miss TammyJ and I am so glad I did. Your pictures are pure delight and romance. Exquisite!