{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

i have to tell you a funny story about radiance, at least it’s funny to me, hence the reason i have only one photo – for radiance.

without planning it, i have spent a lot of time this year on beauty and style and appearance. i bought some new clothing. i went through my closet multiple times, each time saying goodbye to more items that didn’t fit or that i didn’t love or that didn’t feel comfortable or cute or flattering. (it was too uncomfortable to do this in one fell swoop.)

at the moment, there is nothing in my closet that i do not love and feel good in. it is such a strange feeling. i often open my closet door and think, “but i just want to throw on something that doesn’t look cute!” that thought makes me laugh, because it is the opposite of how i thought i’d feel when i got here. this is not to say that i don’t like it; it’s just quite the identity change.

in the past month, i spent time and money on a pedicure and an eyebrow wax and highlights, things that were long overdue. i’ve always wanted to get my eyebrows waxed, but it seemed unnecessary or silly or indulgent. (for me. not for others.) i even bought a hint of makeup! (i feel like i am learning to be a girl at 35.)

i think about all of this a lot, partly because i love style anyway, and partly because sometimes i worry that this is a distraction, not important, even though deep down, i know that it is exactly the right thing to be focusing on right now. there is something about it that is very very important.

one day, i told a friend of mine that maybe the reason it is important is because it’s related to power – one of my words for 2012 – which i think of as wholeness. it seems like a way of giving attention and focus to my body. i am a mind person. my longstanding pattern is to give no attention to my body, unless it is to berate or punish it.

she told me that she thought i was going to say it was related to radiance!

i was writing this morning and i started laughing, because radiance seems so obvious in retrospect.

it reminds me of when someone told me that i need to be taking more risks. i completely agreed, and i was at a complete loss. i could not think of anything to do. a year later, i realized that the thing that scares me the most is relationships and emotional vulnerability and using my words. that was where i needed to be taking my risks. it was so obvious (and obviously impossible seeming in that moment) that i didn’t even see it.

the same is true for radiance. when i knew that radiance would be one of my words for 2012, i had no idea what on earth i could do to focus on it. i thought about it over and over. i was at a complete loss. i could not think of anything to do.

then, i somehow started thinking about things related to beauty and style and appearance. the right thing to do was so obvious that i didn’t even see it. until half a year later when i connected the dots. (well, when my friend connected the dots for me.)

i might chuckle about this for the rest of the year.