on loneliness
a dear friend of mine moved to portland a while ago. i get to see her often, which is the loveliest thing ever. it reminds me of high school and college, when i would spend as much time as possible with my friends. of course, no matter how much time i spent with them, it was never enough.
one day, that changed, and i spent much more time on my own than i did with friends. i could blame the 8-11 hour work days, but that wasn’t entirely it.
the stories i told myself were that i was an introvert, that i liked spending time alone, that i liked spending lots of time alone, that i was fine with seeing my friends only occasionally, that i needed lots of alone time to replenish.
hahahahaha.
my pure unadulterated delight at spending all this time with my friend is making me rethink those stories. it turns out, none of them are entirely true.
the thing i realized is that i need to spend much more time connecting with people than i have ever allowed myself to admit. i need true, deep, rich connections.
it turns out that i have spent a lot of my adult life feeling lonely.
only i never realized it.
if i had realized it, i don’t know that i could have admitted it, even to myself.
it is hard for me to admit that i need other people. that need involves other people. i like things that i can accomplish on my own; they feel easier and safer.
things that involve other people make me feel vulnerable. vulnerability is scary. (scratch that. it’s bigger than scary. vulnerability is terrifying.)
the biggest reason i would never have admitted that i was lonely, even to myself, is that i was ashamed.
as if feeling (being) lonely was something to be ashamed of.
i don’t know why this is, but i suspect that it has something to do with low self-worth and the belief that loneliness is visible and self-perpetuating. as in, if i need connection, clearly i don’t deserve connection; if i deserved it, i would have it already and wouldn’t need it.
this reminds me of an episode of frasier. (i am slowly making my way through every single episode. i love that show.) in this particular episode, frasier was analyzing his relationship troubles with the help of the voices (in his head) of two ex-wives, an ex-girlfriend, and his mother. finally, he says something like, “you mean it comes down to fear of rejection?! you mean i’m alone because i’m afraid of being alone?!”
yes. something like that.
the thing i can see, in retrospect, is that if i had admitted to myself that i was lonely, maybe i would have been able to do something about it. maybe i would have made time with friends more of a priority. maybe i would have made finding kindred spirits more of a priority. maybe i would have felt the loneliness and learned that it wouldn’t devour me.
the thing i can also see, in retrospect, that if i had admitted to others that i was lonely, or that i needed/wanted connection, that it would have been a way of letting people in. letting people in is something i am not terribly good at doing. i am much better at keeping people out.
this feels like a very messy ending, but this is not the sort of thing that i can tie up with a nice neat bow.
this is a thing that is very hard for me. it is hard for me to admit. it is hard for me to work on.
it feels big and scary and messy – but it also feels important, and so i am practicing reaching out and being vulnerable.
Oh my, does this resonate with me. So much of what you’ve written feels like it’s been plucked out of my own head (or heart). Vulnerability is not just terrifying, it’s [expletive] terrifying. I’ve been recognizing for the last year or two how much more connection I need (than what I’m actually getting, usually). Yet so many of the people with whom I can meet my need for connection have such busy lives and calendars that it sometimes seems like forever between connections/visits. And yes, I feel ashamed to need more.
Thank you for sharing this piece of your story and modeling that terrifying vulnerability.
“big and scary and messy”…that’s a great definition of how life is sometimes, Elizabeth… and oh, how this resonated with me too. I think loneliness is like secret dis-ease among a lot of people. I takes courage to admit being lonely. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling the loneliness. The sweetest balm is reaching out…just taking a chance on reaching out to others. We’re all in this together, you know! ;o) We’re heading to the USA on Monday to visit my family for some days. Online time will be limited, but I hope to be around! Happy Days ((HUGS))
I think you just described me. I have always said it was because I worked so much and then once I had kids it was because of them. Now I say I am just a homebody but deep inside I really crave community. One of my goals is to reach out to friends more and make time for connections!
Me too. My illness makes me a homebody, which makes me lonely. When I became to ill to make an effort to go to people, I lost a lot of friends who didn’t make an effort to come to me. I realized they had never made an effort. Are they true friends? but it is still lonely!
also- your blog posts don’t show up on my blogger reading list right. There aren’t any after two weeks ago, even tho I undid and redid my following of you.
Anne
Oh boy…. big topic and, as you can see, one that resonates with just about everyone. This made me think of what my profile says about me. Here is a direct quote: i’m a seeker who yearns for connection, yet thrives on solitude… I took a personality test once and was halfway between intro and extrovert – totally surprised me because I thought I was much more to the intro side, but does explain why I’m a little schizo about such things! It’s a balancing act for sure and we all go through seasons. And if, like me, you are in a long-time marriage, that totally changes the dynamic. It’s harder to get quality alone time, which I definitely need!
But, yes, I am also realizing the value of the connections with other women as I get older. Not acquaintances, but real, true friendships. I feel I am making some strides with “finding my tribe” but it is all still evolving (and likely always will be!)
Great topic – thanks for your courage and openness in bringing it up!!
XOX
One must learn to be happy alone before you can be truly happy together.
I also think it may be hard to admit that one is lonely, when one makes changes in one’s life for other reasons.. that may increase loneliness. Because then you may have to hear, “well, you can always…” fill in the blank. I think you know what I’m talking about.
I’m so glad you wrote about this, because I’ve been thinking very similar things for about a week. One thing I realized is that, in school, my social time was combined with my “work” time. So I got to see friends at the same time as I was doing the thing I had to do, and then I had time when I got home/on weekends to be alone. But now, (for me), work takes up basically 10 hours per day! So I need to fit in people time, alone time, and fun time all into the hours that are left. All I can think is that it’s just no fair at all. But perhaps as I do more processing, I’ll come to a less-tantrum-ey conclusion. :o)
kylie: that is such a good point! i think of all my time spent, ummm, studying. we need more time! i wonder how people do it. if you think of anything good, do share – i would love to hear it!
amy: i do indeed. here’s to creating a community around us that includes the whole of our lives. xoxo
jerry: true ‘dat. i am working on both.
patty: i’m glad i am realizing and acknowledging the importance of it now so i can give it time and energy. here’s to finding our tribe for us both – in a way that gives both connection and solitude when needed.
anne: that sounds full of hardness. sending love. i wish i was nearby and could pop over for a visit with my card supplies. you are so full of creativity that you might inspire me to make a few.
amy: that is my goal too. if you want a cheerleader or support, let me know – but i am cheering you on in solidarity.
tracy: “a secret dis-ease”. it probably is. that’s sort of why i wanted to write about it. because maybe it would be nice for other people to know that someone else feels it. we are all in this together. i hope you had a wonderful visit to the states!
steph: can i say ditto?! there was a quote in “the book of qualities” about honesty, something about how when you are totally honest, or totally vulnerable, you cannot be hurt. i try to remember that. also, i need to buy the book so i can remember the actual quote.
What a beautiful way to begin that reaching out. Right here with such naked honest. It makes me love you more.
so i’ve had this posting sitting in my inbox for the past week and a half and every day i say, “i really want to comment on that” and every day i go to bed without commenting. your post has resonated so strongly with me that it has kinda left me speechless. i have spent my entire life keeping people out and, now, as i sit in the darkest days of my life, i realize what a fool i have been. thank you, elizabeth, for embracing your vulnerability and posting this. your strength makes me feel less alone and inspires me to continue working on taking down my own walls.
ps i ran into this article today – it made me think of this post (again) and prompted me to finally reply: http://www.yaledailynews.com/news/2012/may/27/keegan-opposite-loneliness
i am moved by your vulnerability and courage. i sometimes find the truth of epiphanal moments can be startling, requiring us to be especially gentle with ourselves as we step inside a new way of thinking and being. you are such a sparkling gem and i am blessed by your friendship.