peering into the shadow
the idea of the "holy grail" of 10,000 hours of practice has been wandering around in my thoughts lately related to my photography. there is something there that is important but i am struggling with how to articulate it.
i wrote a post last year on my wellness blog about not being able to like my own work. (for those who have been wondering why that blog fell silent, i am experimenting with using this blog for all my thoughts.) because i do. i like my work. it makes me happy.
i also feel very apologetic about it. like, it's purely luck that i get photos i love. like, of course i get photos i love, i take enough photos that at least one is bound to turn out every once in a while.
at the same time, that isn't really true. the truth is that i've been taking photos for a long time. the truth is that i spend time on it. the truth is that i try to learn and grow. even if what i do doesn't necessarily look like what i think learning and growing should look like, i am learning and growing in my own way.
it's not that i care about being talented, whether that's having other people think i'm talented or me thinking i'm talented. that isn't the point. i just want to be able to acknowledge to myself that i put in the time on this thing that i love and that i get photos i love because i work at it. (play at it, really. and there's part of the rub. if it feels like play, it doesn't count.)
i'm not even sure why it matters so much that i be able to give this to myself, except that there is something in there about learning to see and acknowledge the good (instead of just the bad, which i have decades of practice at seeing and acknowledging). it feels like a start at recognizing my own light instead of trying to hide it or dim it or not being able to see any light at all. somehow, it matters.
anyway, this particular rambling is point-less. i am just planting a tiny seed of thought. for myself, and maybe for someone else who needs it.
You articulate all this very well, Elizabeth, and I can definitely relate to a lot of what you are saying. It’s taken me a lot of years to learn to like, even love, who I am, what I do, and what I create. Learning to loosen the ties of perfectionism and self-criticism has been hard. But learning and the love of learning and trying has always been there, and this keeps me sane. ;o) I think anyone who has any kind of creative inclinations much allow themselves the time to learn and grow, and keep planting those seeds. Like much else in life, creativity is a journey. We have to be open to the many roads and be willing to let one’s own light shine. Beautiful shared thoughts today–thank you! ((HUGS))
Elizabeth, I love reading your introspective thoughts here. And I can totally relate. I have gone down this path many times. Why do I care if people like my work? It used to be about selling, but I have given up on that whole concept for the time being, so what it the point? I like my work, but why is it so important to put it out there? To have people comment on it? Do I need that validation to know that i am OK?
I am far from knowing the answers, but I do know that it is all part of the creative process. We do not create in a vacuum and what gets created needs to be shared. We are all connected and creative work is a huge part of the net that binds us together. That much I do know.
I love this post – keep the conversation going!!
i am really curious about the image. it looks like a polarized photo of moss. i’d like to see it huge on a wall!
i had noticed the wellness blog…i like the experiment of putting your thoughts and photos in one place
your own light…reminds me of the piece by ‘all i did was listen’ about the fireflies…they learned to shine because i did first, something like that.
i’m going to come back and read this post again. later, when the shorties aren’t bouncing off of me, so your light can penetrate my curtained head!!!
I don’t think this is pointless *at all*. I think you’re making a vitally important point about creative practice and how hard it is to take oneself seriously. And how critical. I think maybe we can only become truly great at the thing that feels like play to us, at least on some deep level (not that it’s always fun and games, you know?), or the thing we just can’t stop doing. And so we really need to be able to give ourselves permission to have that play space, to plunge into it, and to take it seriously as work. Wow. Yeah.
When I first started taking pictures as a little kid with a Brownie box camera, the perfect picture had to be in sharp focus. We through away out-of-focus pictures. Many people still judge the quality of a picture by how “sharp” the picture is.
You have taught me that pictures do not always have to be in focus. Fuzzy is OK. In fact, fuzzy is great!
Kind of like life.
It definitely has a point for me. Actually, like 50 of them! xoxo
My favorite sentence:
“It feels like a start at recognizing my own light instead of trying to hide it or dim it or not being able to see any light at all. somehow, it matters.”
I can so identify with this. I wonder sometimes if the universe gives us all the same message at the same time, just in different words/ways. While my thoughts today have not been identical, they certainly have been on the same line.
Why have I been doing stuff that other people do and not my own? Why don’t I celebrate what is good about my art or photography instead of comparing it to others?
Yes, your words are a tiny little seed that is taking growth in me today. Thank you so much!
@deborah: i wonder if it does! it seems like a good way to get the message across – having more people thinking about it. sending wishes for trust and ease as the seed grows.
@briana: yay!
@jerry: awwww. thank you for that. here’s to fuzziness! in photos and in life.
@amy: yes! i think you have articulated part of what was rolling around in my head that i couldn’t quite grasp. there’s something there about taking myself seriously and what that means – because maybe it doesn’t necessarily mean becoming serious (which is what i tend to think and ugh, that does not sound fun at all), more that i recognize that a particular thing is important and deserves time and consideration. wow.
@jen t: it’s a photo similar to yesterday’s trust photo, converted to b&w and then with a filter applied. i was playing.
@patty: i think you wrote a post about it a while ago too? i was thinking about that too, but it seemed like a related conversation. i’ll have to think about it more. my thought at the moment was that i feel sort of selfish because while it’s lovely if people like my work, i am really doing it for me and so i am ok with sharing it because i love it so i am ok whether people like it or not. except how does that fit with what i want to do with it. yes, this deserves thought. (and i love the idea of sharing and growing through seeing other people’s work – that is so true for me.)
@tracy: perfectionism and self-criticism. i know those well. {love and hugs} creativity really is a journey. so glad you pointed that out.
I love this picture. I also like the idea of tying knots in the rope, as my good friend would say, so it’s easier to hang on. reminds me of acknowledging the good.
I love your brain and the thoughts it thinks. Coincidentally, that picture also reminded me of brains. And in closing, I’m really hoping I didn’t totally creep you out with this comment.
Oh, honey. I needed it! Thanks!